Open Mic
WOULD YOU?
Here's a jazz song about being outlandishly greedy ... for love.Reactions? Criticisms? Recommendations?"Would You?"© 2015 C.W. BrownellVERSE 1:If I wanted to catch midnight, would you lasso me the moon?If I wanted to own summer, would you buy me half of June?When you get done delivering, here's one more thing to do--If I wanted some affection, would you spare a kiss ... or two?VERSE 2:If I wanted to feel lucky, would you fetch the Blarney Stone?If I wanted cacciatore, would you fly me off to Rome?But I'd forget those little things, if one big thing came true--If I wanted you to love me, would you?BRIDGE:I might ask too much--As such, I stand accusedBut you can't call it greedIf all I need is all of youVERSE 3:If I wanted to be famous, would you put me on the dime?If I wanted to start over, would you take me back in time?But I could do without the rest, if this request came through--If I wanted you to love me, would you?
Donna, I know not every song needs to explain itself, but I keep asking what is this guy's damage? So he's disappointed by the "rat race"? Join the club, buddy!Maybe he's like me and wishes he would done something more with music when he was younger. (Now there would be an explanation I could relate to!) Or maybe he chose his career over that "perfect girl" who was crazy about him back in his twenties (you know, like Ebenezer Scrooge did). A little explanation could go a long way with this song.Just a thought....
Just listened to Joey and Rory's "When I'm Gone" on YouTube. Wow.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcpjSMmWUDw
"We are the music makers,And we are the dreamers of dreams...." -- From a poem by Arthur William Edgar O'Shaughnessy (featured in the movie "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory")
Billie, I really enjoy your lyrics. They are very creative and well-written. You've got talent coming out your ears.What bugs me about these particular lyrics is that they don't quite make sense. The singer overhears his/her significant other invite a secret lover over for a rendezvous at some future time "when nobody's home". Thereafter, the singer refers to him/herself as that "nobody". But if the singer actually won't be home when the rendezvous occurs, how can the singer be the nobody?Wouldn't it make more sense if the singer actually was home, but his/her significant other didn't know it, and the singer overhears the significant other invite the secret lover in, stating, "Come on in ... Nobody's home"? Then it would make sense for the singer to refer to him/herself as the nobody. The song could focus on the fact the singer is being treated as a nobody. And if and when the singer leaves the relationship, the significant other will be left with nobody. Just a thought.BTW, this reminds me of Sylvia's big hit in the 1980s called "Nobody", which used a similar play on words. In that song, it wasn't the singer but, instead, the secret lover who was called the nobody:http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/sylvia/nobody.html
Dean Friscic likes this.
OD, all is well between us. No worries.Here is what I was reacting to on Dennis' thread:While I may have misinterpreted what you were saying to Dennis, MAB definitely was against using two verses prior to the first chorus, stating that no one has the patience nowadays to wait that long to get to the chorus. He also criticized Dennis for using a "bitter" tone in his lyrics, claiming others wouldn't like it.I didn't think those criticisms were particularly helpful for two reasons. First, I didn't think the criticisms were true. Using two verses before the first chorus is very common, even today, and there are plenty of examples of great songs with "bitter" themes. Second, I think the advice Dennis needed had more to do with the fundamentals.
Thanks, Carl. I've got the music all written, but a lousy recording. I want to re-record a better version, then I'll post it.
"Excuse Me"
Instead of following OD’s suggestion about trying to rewrite Dennis’ song, “I Don’t Need You Anymore”, I decided to provide an example of what I was talking about.Here’s a very “bitter” jazz song about rejection. In fact, this one is even darker than Dennis’ song. While, in his song, Dennis concludes that he’s better off and much happier without his ex, all I can conclude in mine (reluctantly) is that I just better leave, period.This follows the classic A-A-B-A jazz song structure. So there’s two verses before you get to the bridge (there is no real chorus).I used rhymes, including some double rhymes, throughout. I used a common phrase, “excuse me” (a polite form of apology), in an unusual way to communicate my disgust with my ex (kind of like the way Steve Martin used to say, more comically, “Well, exc-u-u-u-se me!”).Critique away, if you wish.**************************************"Excuse Me"© 2015 C.W. BrownellVERSE 1:Excuse me, I'd like back my heartYou know, that plaything you just broke apart?I’d like the pieces before it ceases to be kindI think you still have timeVERSE 2:Excuse me for failing your testI’m truly sorry that I’m not the bestWhat was I thinking? What was I drinking?Excuse meBRIDGE:When you put my love on a shelfI knew just what to doI’d have to go excuse myselfThere’s no excusing youVERSE 3:So excuse me for crowding your spaceYou don’t need someone with tears down his faceNo sense in grieving—I'll just be leavingExcuse me(Musical Interlude/Jazz Solo)(Repeat BRIDGE and VERSE 3)OUTRO:No sense in grieving—I'll just be leavingExcuse me
Funny. I picked three of the top hit songs from 2014 at random and listened to them: "Meanwhile Back at Mama's" (Tim McGraw/Faith Hill); "Automatic" (Miranda Lambert); and "Shake It Off" (Taylor Swift). All three had this song structure: V-V-C-V-C-C. Each had two verses before the first chorus.I agree there are probably more songs now than ever before with only one verse before the first chorus, but it's obviously not a hard and fast rule that everybody follows.The songs in my other post were mentioned because they had "bitter" themes. I didn't analyze their song structures.
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