Indie, Alternative, Grunge, Rock
What's your favorite genre of music?
Do you play an instrument?
Guitar, Piano, Drums, Bass, Harmonica, Ukulele, Mandolin, Didgeridoo, Trombone, Tuba
Interested in Collaborations?
Yes!
Fun Fact About Me
Love to cook!
What Recording Tools do You Use?
Audacity
Open Mic
Definitely an interesting start, and I'd be very curious to hear what it sounds like behind some instruments.The verse strikes me as a little unstructured, if not forced. I can still imagine the potential, but in my opinion it would flow better if that first stanza was cleaned up and balanced out. There were also a few spelling errors which have already been pointed out. I think the chorus could be catchy and sound really good, but without hearing the song it sounds to me like it's a little wordy. The first two lines of the chorus flow easy and fit well with what a typical chorus should start like. But after that you kind of trail off and it doesn't fit as well. Just my thoughts though. Good work!
Oh Well, She Said
Here's a song I wrote earlier this week. I know my style is typically a little obscure, convoluted and maybe even a little cryptic, so I tried to make this more catchy and straight forward. It's still got a few metaphors and wordy parts, but I think I found a somewhat happy medium. That's what I'd like to hear your opinions about: the clarity of the writing and also you're overall first impression. Some notes: I'm not very comfortable with the bridge yet, so that's subject to change or be taken out entirely. It just felt forced, but I still want a few parting stanzas before the last chorus..so we'll see. While reading over it right now, I can see how the flow and/or melody might be tricky to imagine (which is something I'm trying to work on, though I think a lot of popular songs would be odd to read without have already heard the melody). Having said that, I'd be more than happy to upload the recording a provide a soundcloud link if anyone gets lost. The chorus doesn't have a strong rhyme scheme, because honestly I didn't think it needed one. And of course, anything that I've mentioned that you disagree with, or if there are any other suggestions you'd like to make, please don't hesitate. I'm always trying to learn and find new inspiration!EDIT: The last line in the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 5th verse goes along with a little chord change. Those one-liners are kind of trailing thoughts to the stanzas they're in. Again, hopefully not too confusing (I'm probably hurting myself the more I try to explain everything). As I'm reading it, I can just see how it might seem weird.[Verse]Another one to the next oneAnother blink of the eyeSilver lines bewareShe's an earthquake runningOut of control, Into your headShe climbed my mountain And jumped off the topShe landed right whereYou told her to stopIt's a joke that just won't quitThis wish of mine[Chorus]I don't think you're ready to look outa window all fogged upYou're on a train doesn't stop Until you stop this lieingA ripple in the water from the rock I threw to youBut I missed and made a waveOh well, she said, oh well[Verse]Underneath it all I seeWhat you failed to hideTop to bottom falling outThis vision is all mineBut I still hear youSaying that I'm so blind to youDon't look back while I leaveshe said when she was goneI didn't mean to leave so quickAs I just saw you run[Chorus]You're not ready to look outa window that is all fogged upYou're on a train doesn't stopUntil you stop lieingA ripple in the water fromThe rock I threw to youBut I missed and made a waveOh well, she said, oh welloh well, she said, oh well[Verse]A summer dress, A midday's restOne to tell the kids ofA rocky beach, your heart's long reachI see the flowing field nowJust a bird overhead [Bridge?]I never knew, that you wanted me, that's what she saidI never saw, that look you gave, I heard insteadAs time flies byThe fire grows quiet [Chorus]You're not ready to look outa window that is all fogged upThis train doesn't stopUntil you stop this lieingA ripple in the water fromThe rock I threw at youBut I missed and made a waveOh well, she said, oh wellOh well, she said, oh wellOh well, she said, oh well...
I appreciate the feedback. I don't often think to double check myself to tense errors like that, and it doesn't help that I just generally have problems editing my own work. Whatever gets written down first usually seems fine to me, and going through to fix things like that often doesn't happen like it should.I definitely agree that the song is a little more obscure than it should be. I do wish that this type of prose was still more mainstream, as it's how I think. I guess I get more roots from writing long before I picked up song-driven music. I was writing out poetry for quite a while before I started play guitar and other instruments, so I guess you could say old habits die hard. Anyway, thanks for everything. I'll make sure to work on your points!OD OldDog said...Josh Ol Buddy,I give you credit for your rhyme patterns, but your lyrics make no sense. You can obviously write but you write more like a poet than a songwriter. The days of poets writing mystery lyrics went out a long time ago. Today if you want to keep a listeners attention you have to keep them involved and tell your story in simple language they can understand. You no-longer have the luxury of writing in prose or throwing out thoughts in you head that may sound clever but don't make any sense.Let's look at your 1st verse:Memories are just folded sheetsAn empty bed I don't understandI never expected to follow my planThis broken records on repeatI had to read and re-read this verse over and over to even think I got the deep meaning behind your lyric.The point is; a listener of today has a very short attention span. They are not sitting at home with head sets on trying to figure out the hidden message behind a lyric. That may have happened years ago but not today.Now, lets look at your chorus:I'll ask about your other friendsYou'll tell me to go back to bedThrough the pounds that I might shedI hope we can make amendsFor one thing, your 1st verse mentions "memories" suggesting a past tense. Your chorus says you ask about her other friends in a present tense. Then that 3rd line about shedding pounds doesn't fit the story at all.I just think you need to look things over and decide if your writing poetry or a song. JMHODon't get me wrong, I want you to continue to write and I hope you are open to suggestions to learn the difference between writing poetry and song lyrics. Feel free to tell me to buzz off.OD
Thanks for the kind words guys, very glad everyone liked it!
Wes,Liked the song a lot, I could defintley hear it playing in my head to a country tune. Easy to read and the structure I'm sure would make it very easy to listen to. If this is on open mic I'll for sure be giving it a couple listens!The only problem I had was the second half of the second verse (the last 4 lines). It just didn't seem very cohesive or smooth. I'm sure it would work on its own, but the way the rest of the verses are laid out, it seemed like a little bit of a mouthful, and it kind of strayed from the rhyme scheme. But that might just be me, and hopefully that makes sense.
Powerful poem...really sad, but flows well regardless. A couple grammatical errors I saw: "grocery story" to "grocery store" and "sense you" to "sinse you", and "I have never lied are..." to "I have never lied or". Sorry I just see those type of things before anything else, hope that helps!In my opinion, I think it would have read a little smoother if there was a little bit of a stronger rhyme scheme, but that's of course up to your discretion and how the song sounds in your head. Overall though, solid song! If you were looking for any other critiques or a different angle of looking at it, just let me know
Memories Above All
Here's a piece I'm a little more confident in than the last one I posted. I wrote this during the end of a past relationship; It's almost like a tribute to my failed ideals of romanticisms. I didn't want it to come off too dark or depressing though, so hopefully it doesnt! I was aiming for more of a melancholy or complacent mood. I have this recorded somewhere in the depths of my computer, so I have a general idea for how the song flows and sounds. So I guess what I'd like to know, is do the lyrics fit within the context of the song? And is there anything glaring -good or bad- that you can see?[Verse]Memories are just folded sheetsAn empty bed I don't understandI never expected to follow my planThis broken records on repeat[Chorus]
I'll ask about your other friendsYou'll tell me to go back to bedThrough the pounds that I might shedI hope we can make amends[Verse]
Write me down a verse or threeA beating heart I'll never holdEven though I stand so boldLove is just a melody
Tell me what you're thinking aboutGone like the birds is your attentionYou cast me in infinite suspensionIn my dreams you silently shout[Chorus]
I'll ask about your other friendsYou'll tell me to go back to bedThrough the pounds that I might shedI hope we can make amends[Ending Chorus/Bridge]
Fall in and out of breathlessnessSeven ways to drop a friendSeven signs that it's the endBut apparently I love thisJust a kick of oxygenI wish I could read the starsYou never asked about my scarsJust a wish for way back when
My Songs