One Day

"One Day" - Josh Church (me)

I finished writing this a few weeks ago, but It just doesn't feel as complete as it could. I guess what I'd  like all of your opinions on is: 1. What genre would you see this falling under, as you're reading it? 
2. The Rhyme scheme is a little loose, I know...do you think that's a problem, or does it flow fairly well?
3. Overall Impression?

Appreciate you taking the time to read it, hope you enjoy!


I'm writing you from the weight on my shoulders
To your smeared makeup that rolls like a boulder
I wish I was just a little bolder,
but I'll sing from a distance
Why won't you just talk me down and into
Who I am or who am I to you
No one gave their time to learning me well
That's why, you see this is giving me hell

One day you'll get this letter
You realize you don't know whether
The grass is greener where you stand, the sky clearer... Or the path you came in on and the clouds behind you

This letter is sealed for one day
For one day that you need a heart
A day apart that you cried and fought for me
For one day I'll be gone
A ghost between your fingers when you grab out
The wet on your cheek that follows your tear

I breathe you in like smoke and yesterdays
Everything you do makes me want to be more like you
A role model to a model of what not to do
Exhale what's left of our memories
People can change and so can tunes
Your so much like your family I wish you knew
The lengths I'd go to not lose you again
But I'd have to battle for your mind and your love again

When you get this letter love
Tear it up and throw it out
Swear a promise you'll hear me out
Never a fit like you did me
Never a mate to your soul like I could be

For one day this will be all that's left
A sad attempt at your sad eyes
A second in your arms could save my life
For one day
For one day

It's hard to get a feel on what genre it would fit in Josh. There's a lot of great potential here but it's all over the place. It felt congested as I read through it. I think if you condensed what you have in the verses and tighten up your rhyme scheme, you'll be okay. You could basically write two songs with all the material you have here. It just depends on what you're reaching for. When I read, I read it as country music but the way it is written, it doesn't really fit that genre with its length, schemes and verbage. I like your writing a lot though. It looks like you have an idea for it. I hope it works out for you. Best wishes!

Hi, Josh

Welcome to songramp!!

You ask for impressions on a music genre on what you've written?

I hear this as a ballad.  It's comes across as sad.

Is the rhyme scheme a little loose?

Use of a rhyme scheme is always a matter of personal taste. (For me) I like a strong rhyme scheme but not everybody does. I think a tighter rhyming pattern could certainly strengthen what you've got here.

Does it flow well ?

I might consider editing a word or two here and there.  Suggestion.  Label each section to make it easier for the reader/listener to understand.  Verse, chorus, etc.   You have in what appears to be your first verse, 11 lines.  In what I think to be verse 2, there are eight lines.  You'll want to balance them so that they're the same by tightening up the meter.   Chorus appears only once if I got it right. I'd like to see it repeat.    "When you get this letter"   Is that a bridge?

Overall impressions?

The point of view is trying to get somebody's attention and by the time that happens (if it happens) it will be too late.
Almost sounds as if the POV (point of view in the lyric) is trying to make his or her love interest feel guilty.
A little disturbing in that it also almost sounds like the person (the POV) is going to commit suicide.  Ending kind of suggests that. Is my interpretation too literal or off?
I don't know but that is how I am taking it with writing a letter.  If that is the case, then perhaps a title change is in order.  One Day doesn't reach out and grab ya'.  "The letter" or "This letter is sealed" or  "Sealed", how about  "My thoughts are sealed"?   Make it more mysterious to attract eyes passing by at first glance.
I would get rid of the line with "boulder" & makeup (line2 verse 1). Doesn't work for me.  At present, there really isn't any motion in terms of  a story and not that a story is needed but I get the sense that the POV is hurt and frustrated in failed attempts to reach a love interest.

Hope all I have said is helpful. There's a lot you could do with this.
Keep or sweep my thoughts and suggestions.


Carl

Appreciate the feedback. Glad you thought there was something here, even if it might be buried. I wrote it with an indie folk-blues mindset, so it probably wouldn't flow too well if you tried reading it as country. But I do plan to clean it up, maybe trim off a few lines and generally make it a little more coherent. That's my problem with songs like this, is I just have so much to say that I end up dumping too much in one spot and it gets sort of convoluted.
 

Thanks for the thought out response and suggestions, this is the stuff that really challenges me to think outside of my comfort zone. I agree that it comes off with a ballad vibe, I'm just hesitant to claim that genre because I feel having as much to say as I do in this piece, it would get even further bogged down and run the risk of becoming stale or boring. Still though, it is a melancholy song that was supposed to make the reader's chest feel a little heavier. 

I've never really devoted any time to keeping point of view in mind when writing anything, but I guess that is something important that keeps the reader interested and the song moving in a direction. What I was thinking when I wrote it, was that a fictional me was writing a letter to a failed love, but after I had written it I decided not to send it and that it'd be better if she never really knew. You're right that it's a fairly dark song, but I hope it didn't come off too literal as to make it sound suicidal. Just a morose or pulling feeling was what I was going for. 

The 2nd, 5th, and 6th stanzas would have to the choruses if there were any, but I imagine the way it would play out musically would be kind of a variation on the theme, rather than a change or shift into something totally contrasting or changing. And I do want to play with the 3rd and 4th stanzas/verses, because I like them on their own but they don't meet particularly well next to each other like that. 

Thanks again for your thoughts, they're super helpful!

Enjoyed Da Read Josh I agree with the boulder line seemed to be forced all Da Best With it my friend.

Josh
Welcome on board.

You note you want indie, then in my listening to a lot of indie, this is there, the standards of modern writing do not necessarily apply
, in fact in many instances they try to destroy an semblance of a good lyric. If you want to to have great lyric which is still compatable with indie, then the basis of what Wes and Carl have given is good.

For this I will not review the lyric as such, but there is some good imagery and prose within, just too much of everything, way too much.

For mine and many others, a single idea is a song, the shorter and more concise can you make it gives it a greater chance of being understood and followed.

Try to write the story down and if you can get into 2 verses (this is one idea remember) fantastic if you need a bridge to complete the tale that is fine too (a bridge for the sake of a bridge is a mistake). A chorus is designed to be sung by everybody and making this the same throughout helps.

Rhyme, if you use, be prepared to be consistent with it through the verses and be carefull not to do the same lyric pattern in the chorus to help differentiate. Do research on this, where and how you rhyme can create more feeling than the words themselves!

The first write or draft is just that, the song is not complete until you say it is, for many that is many versions later and this is fine.

Good luck


Arty