Carl B said...
Hi, Josh
Welcome to songramp!!
You ask for impressions on a music genre on what you've written?
I hear this as a ballad. It's comes across as sad.
Is the rhyme scheme a little loose?
Use of a rhyme scheme is always a matter of personal taste. (For me) I like a strong rhyme scheme but not everybody does. I think a tighter rhyming pattern could certainly strengthen what you've got here.
Does it flow well ?
I might consider editing a word or two here and there. Suggestion. Label each section to make it easier for the reader/listener to understand. Verse, chorus, etc. You have in what appears to be your first verse, 11 lines. In what I think to be verse 2, there are eight lines. You'll want to balance them so that they're the same by tightening up the meter. Chorus appears only once if I got it right. I'd like to see it repeat. "When you get this letter" Is that a bridge?
Overall impressions?
The point of view is trying to get somebody's attention and by the time that happens (if it happens) it will be too late.
Almost sounds as if the POV (point of view in the lyric) is trying to make his or her love interest feel guilty.
A little disturbing in that it also almost sounds like the person (the POV) is going to commit suicide. Ending kind of suggests that. Is my interpretation too literal or off?
I don't know but that is how I am taking it with writing a letter. If that is the case, then perhaps a title change is in order. One Day doesn't reach out and grab ya'. "The letter" or "This letter is sealed" or "Sealed", how about "My thoughts are sealed"? Make it more mysterious to attract eyes passing by at first glance.
I would get rid of the line with "boulder" & makeup (line2 verse 1). Doesn't work for me. At present, there really isn't any motion in terms of a story and not that a story is needed but I get the sense that the POV is hurt and frustrated in failed attempts to reach a love interest.
Hope all I have said is helpful. There's a lot you could do with this.
Keep or sweep my thoughts and suggestions.
Carl
Welcome to songramp!!
You ask for impressions on a music genre on what you've written?
I hear this as a ballad. It's comes across as sad.
Is the rhyme scheme a little loose?
Use of a rhyme scheme is always a matter of personal taste. (For me) I like a strong rhyme scheme but not everybody does. I think a tighter rhyming pattern could certainly strengthen what you've got here.
Does it flow well ?
I might consider editing a word or two here and there. Suggestion. Label each section to make it easier for the reader/listener to understand. Verse, chorus, etc. You have in what appears to be your first verse, 11 lines. In what I think to be verse 2, there are eight lines. You'll want to balance them so that they're the same by tightening up the meter. Chorus appears only once if I got it right. I'd like to see it repeat. "When you get this letter" Is that a bridge?
Overall impressions?
The point of view is trying to get somebody's attention and by the time that happens (if it happens) it will be too late.
Almost sounds as if the POV (point of view in the lyric) is trying to make his or her love interest feel guilty.
A little disturbing in that it also almost sounds like the person (the POV) is going to commit suicide. Ending kind of suggests that. Is my interpretation too literal or off?
I don't know but that is how I am taking it with writing a letter. If that is the case, then perhaps a title change is in order. One Day doesn't reach out and grab ya'. "The letter" or "This letter is sealed" or "Sealed", how about "My thoughts are sealed"? Make it more mysterious to attract eyes passing by at first glance.
I would get rid of the line with "boulder" & makeup (line2 verse 1). Doesn't work for me. At present, there really isn't any motion in terms of a story and not that a story is needed but I get the sense that the POV is hurt and frustrated in failed attempts to reach a love interest.
Hope all I have said is helpful. There's a lot you could do with this.
Keep or sweep my thoughts and suggestions.
Carl
Thanks for the thought out response and suggestions, this is the stuff that really challenges me to think outside of my comfort zone. I agree that it comes off with a ballad vibe, I'm just hesitant to claim that genre because I feel having as much to say as I do in this piece, it would get even further bogged down and run the risk of becoming stale or boring. Still though, it is a melancholy song that was supposed to make the reader's chest feel a little heavier.
I've never really devoted any time to keeping point of view in mind when writing anything, but I guess that is something important that keeps the reader interested and the song moving in a direction. What I was thinking when I wrote it, was that a fictional me was writing a letter to a failed love, but after I had written it I decided not to send it and that it'd be better if she never really knew. You're right that it's a fairly dark song, but I hope it didn't come off too literal as to make it sound suicidal. Just a morose or pulling feeling was what I was going for.
The 2nd, 5th, and 6th stanzas would have to the choruses if there were any, but I imagine the way it would play out musically would be kind of a variation on the theme, rather than a change or shift into something totally contrasting or changing. And I do want to play with the 3rd and 4th stanzas/verses, because I like them on their own but they don't meet particularly well next to each other like that.
Thanks again for your thoughts, they're super helpful!
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