Josh Church
#0
Here's a piece I'm a little more confident in than the last one I posted. I wrote this during the end of a past relationship; It's almost like a tribute to my failed ideals of romanticisms. I didn't want it to come off too dark or depressing though, so hopefully it doesnt! I was aiming for more of a melancholy or complacent mood. 

I have this recorded somewhere in the depths of my computer, so I have a general idea for how the song flows and sounds. So I guess what I'd like to know, is do the lyrics fit within the context of the song? And is there anything glaring -good or bad- that you can see?

[Verse]

Memories are just folded sheets
An empty bed I don't understand
I never expected to follow my plan
This broken records on repeat

[Chorus]

I'll ask about your other friends
You'll tell me to go back to bed
Through the pounds that I might shed
I hope we can make amends

[Verse]


Write me down a verse or three
A beating heart I'll never hold
Even though I stand so bold
Love is just a melody


Tell me what you're thinking about
Gone like the birds is your attention
You cast me in infinite suspension
In my dreams you silently shout

[Chorus]


I'll ask about your other friends
You'll tell me to go back to bed
Through the pounds that I might shed
I hope we can make amends

[Ending Chorus/Bridge]


Fall in and out of breathlessness
Seven ways to drop a friend
Seven signs that it's the end
But apparently I love this

Just a kick of oxygen
I wish I could read the stars
You never asked about my scars
Just a wish for way back when

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Arty Redsocks
#1
Josh,
I am guessing you had a melody first and started writing?

Whilst there are some really good lines (in my dreams you silently shout) the lyric as a whole is not coherent. So if you have a great melody and it is a pop song the lyric could possibly remain as is and like a Crowded House song ramble on with some great prose but the song means nothing.

If you want to develop a better lyric;

You have given a title of Memories above all else which does not feature in the lyric, normally this would be a least a refrain or the hook of the chorus and repeated with all lines directed toward it. I dont find this to be the case.

V1 starts off talking memories and in the first two lines of a bed - then we go to following plans and then to broken records, none of the lines are necessarily bad but do not work as a cohesive unit for me, again the bed motif features in the chorus??? and this line
Through the pounds that I might shed
just throws me totally off course and got worse for me as I read through and worse again when in re read.

I would if I writing to this title have a chorus of What memories mean to you whilst the verses are what the memories actually are, done chronologically so V1 may be courting, V2 breaking up
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Kristi McKeever
#2
Hi Josh,

My take on this is that I think there's some really good lines in this and I just need a few things more to focus it toward your theme.  And I think the point of view has something to do with it. It sounds like V1 he's talking to himself. Then I feel a shift of POV to him talking to the love interest, but I am not sure, so the "story" isn't as clear to me as I think it could be.

You have an interesting rhyme scheme there and some really good rhymes going on...."oxygen/way back when", "I love this/breathlessness"...very nice stuff!

Sometimes less is more though, you may need to save a couple of those beauties for the next song...I've done that many a times! :)

Kristi
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Wes Tibbets
#3
Hi Josh,

There is some beautiful writing here. I think with just a few minor adjustments, you'll have a really good song. I agree about the pounds you shed line. I think you could do something different there. It just seems out of place. The end of the chorus almost feels like poetry rather than lyrical. I know there is a fine line between the two but there is a line. I really did like some of the individual lines. The writing and choice of words is a thing of beauty. Nice work!
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Larry Killam
#4
Enjoyed Da Read.All Da Best with it.
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Josh Church
#5
I appreciate the feedback. I don't often think to double check myself to tense errors like that, and it doesn't help that I just generally have problems editing my own work. Whatever gets written down first usually seems fine to me, and going through to fix things like that often doesn't happen like it should.

I definitely agree that the song is a little more obscure than it should be. I do wish that this type of prose was still more mainstream, as it's how I think. I guess I get more roots from writing long before I picked up song-driven music. I was writing out poetry for quite a while before I started play guitar and other instruments, so I guess you could say old habits die hard. 

Anyway, thanks for everything. I'll make sure to work on your points!


OD OldDog said...

Josh Ol Buddy,

I give you credit for your rhyme patterns, but your lyrics make no sense.  You can obviously write but you write more like a poet than a songwriter.  The days of poets writing mystery lyrics went out a long time ago.  Today if you want to keep a listeners attention you have to keep them involved and tell your story in simple language they can understand.  You no-longer have the luxury of writing in prose or throwing out thoughts in you head that may sound clever but don't make any sense.

Let's look at your 1st verse:

Memories are just folded sheets
An empty bed I don't understand
I never expected to follow my plan
This broken records on repeat

I had to read and re-read this verse over and over to even think I got the deep meaning behind your lyric.

The point is; a listener of today has a very short attention span.  They are not sitting at home with head sets on trying to figure out the hidden message behind a lyric.  That may have happened years ago but not today.

Now, lets look at your chorus:

I'll ask about your other friends
You'll tell me to go back to bed
Through the pounds that I might shed
I hope we can make amends

For one thing,  your 1st verse mentions "memories" suggesting a past tense.  Your chorus says you ask about her other friends in a present tense.  Then that 3rd line about shedding pounds doesn't fit the story at all.

I just think you need to look things over and decide if your writing poetry or a song.  JMHO

Don't get me wrong, I want you to continue to write and I hope you are open to suggestions to learn the difference between writing poetry and song lyrics.  Feel free to tell me to buzz off.

OD








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