Josh,
I am guessing you had a melody first and started writing?
Whilst there are some really good lines (in my dreams you silently shout) the lyric as a whole is not coherent. So if you have a great melody and it is a pop song the lyric could possibly remain as is and like a Crowded House song ramble on with some great prose but the song means nothing.
If you want to develop a better lyric;
You have given a title of Memories above all else which does not feature in the lyric, normally this would be a least a refrain or the hook of the chorus and repeated with all lines directed toward it. I dont find this to be the case.
V1 starts off talking memories and in the first two lines of a bed - then we go to following plans and then to broken records, none of the lines are necessarily bad but do not work as a cohesive unit for me, again the bed motif features in the chorus??? and this line
Through the pounds that I might shed
just throws me totally off course and got worse for me as I read through and worse again when in re read.
I would if I writing to this title have a chorus of What memories mean to you whilst the verses are what the memories actually are, done chronologically so V1 may be courting, V2 breaking up
I am guessing you had a melody first and started writing?
Whilst there are some really good lines (in my dreams you silently shout) the lyric as a whole is not coherent. So if you have a great melody and it is a pop song the lyric could possibly remain as is and like a Crowded House song ramble on with some great prose but the song means nothing.
If you want to develop a better lyric;
You have given a title of Memories above all else which does not feature in the lyric, normally this would be a least a refrain or the hook of the chorus and repeated with all lines directed toward it. I dont find this to be the case.
V1 starts off talking memories and in the first two lines of a bed - then we go to following plans and then to broken records, none of the lines are necessarily bad but do not work as a cohesive unit for me, again the bed motif features in the chorus??? and this line
Through the pounds that I might shed
just throws me totally off course and got worse for me as I read through and worse again when in re read.
I would if I writing to this title have a chorus of What memories mean to you whilst the verses are what the memories actually are, done chronologically so V1 may be courting, V2 breaking up
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