Hi Josh,
My take on this is that I think there's some really good lines in this and I just need a few things more to focus it toward your theme. And I think the point of view has something to do with it. It sounds like V1 he's talking to himself. Then I feel a shift of POV to him talking to the love interest, but I am not sure, so the "story" isn't as clear to me as I think it could be.
You have an interesting rhyme scheme there and some really good rhymes going on...."oxygen/way back when", "I love this/breathlessness"...very nice stuff!
Sometimes less is more though, you may need to save a couple of those beauties for the next song...I've done that many a times! :)
Kristi
My take on this is that I think there's some really good lines in this and I just need a few things more to focus it toward your theme. And I think the point of view has something to do with it. It sounds like V1 he's talking to himself. Then I feel a shift of POV to him talking to the love interest, but I am not sure, so the "story" isn't as clear to me as I think it could be.
You have an interesting rhyme scheme there and some really good rhymes going on...."oxygen/way back when", "I love this/breathlessness"...very nice stuff!
Sometimes less is more though, you may need to save a couple of those beauties for the next song...I've done that many a times! :)
Kristi
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