Desert lullaby

With these words
I send my love
With every verse
And scribbled line
I leave s piece of me behind

There's a fear of being alone
But try to find comfort in my song
And sing along to my desert lullaby

With these chords
I send my love
With ever note
and hammer on
I leave a piece of me behind

There's a fear of losing control
But try to find comfort in my song
And sing along to my desert lullaby

Aaron
Nice sentiments expressed simply and concisely and written well!

There are few things I would draw your attention to
V1 and V2 have 5 and 4 lines respectively unusual if intended.

Choice of  a three line chorus which gives it a feeling \of instability yet the message seems one of hope

Then the choice of 'desert', this is not giant in so much as it sounds alright but doesn't evoke in me a lullaby, rather desolation and a sense of abstract beauty. Maybe the use of verbiage appropriate to deserts will heighten the appeal and not just suddenly land there. i.e. hot dry wasteland ribbed red (I am from Aus of course) moving etc,

But still did like it and its basic simplicity with no waste or exccess fat



Arty

Thanks arty for the critique I really do appriciate it after that's what this forum s all about. The choice of words in the lyric illustrates how my family is handling the fact that I am gone. First deployment that we as a family has had to face and she my wife has never dealt with being alone with two kids so that's the reason for the verbiage. And yeah the four line verses are a little abstract but I'm finding it hard to add to them. And lastly the chorus has a lot of na na na s after the last line of it to the rhythm of the ballad with a "my desert lullaby " repeated every so often.

Sorry arty I get what you were saying about V1 and V2 It was not intentional I have made the corrections thanks again

Aaron

"...of na na na s after the last line of it to the rhythm of the ballad with a "my desert lullaby..."

Horse with no name instantly springs to mind, lol


It is interesting as to the background here, appreciate the special emotion you must feel as well as your family as well to it, I am not in anyway trying to undermine it or such. This therefore will work beautifully with them as they KNOW the background the gravity of Desert.

I will talk generally about songwriting and as was noted to me very early on was if you want a song to go somewhere and mean something to other people outside of your clique then the song has to stand on its own, no explanation what it is about, no title to read and glean from, the song has to be its own world and explaining to the world what the message is you want to tell.

IN this I never tell the title of a song of mine (the very few covers I have ever done, around 3 I have told the artist and song title out of respect for them), just get in and play them, if it gets to the Radio, they will not necessarily tell the world what the song is etc.

On these forums where it is lyric the title is there for all to see etc and is an important draw in for (some) people as to whether they will critique / listen. But at the end of the day the song has to do the grunt work without assistance.

Still if you wanted to make it more 'universal' a bridge along the lines of

Sitting here in the sand
with with camo's and shells overhead
just thinking of you
those I am here to protect


Arty

Really nice, I can imagine loads of different ways this could sound, and all of them are good. I adore this sort of concise lyricism. 

Aaron: I appreciate the thoughts here; you have a good idea. some nice lines.

Ulike Arty I'm a sucker for a Title draws me right in.I love Da Title I like what you have and waiting desperatelt to hearing this one.Good luck with it.

LARRYBOY

I think the only other thing Dat would of drawn me in faster if someones name was in Da Title.I'm a sucker for songs with someones name in Da Title.

Lets say your wife's name is Denise this would be appropriate Desert Lullaby For Denise.

very short could be a poem . it reads and flows well.   just  wondering how it would transfer into a song as it would need a lot of music to fill it out .  could in my opinion do with a couple of extra verses , but until it is set to music . it is still pretty good

john