Lost Together- unfinished.

Yesterday my friends and I had a jam session and I used some chords that I've been saving for awhile and we came up with some pretty good stuff. Later on in the same day, I figured that I would write some words for the chords I messed around with and this is what came out.

Verse 1
Red lips & hazel eyes are what is killing me tonight
and I couldn't make it more obvious to you
I go in your room and take a seat on the bed 
I'm just waiting for you to get ready 
But instead you come back inside 
and turn the tables on me

Prechorus
And I can't speak
And I can't breathe 
As you whisper... 

Chorus:
"Please, darling, stay seventeen. 
You mean everything to me."
Upon feeling the breath of your words
I start falling apart at the seems
I'm just a lost boy and you're a lost girl
both looking for a place to call our home 
But I just want to be lost with you forever
So just say you love me and we can be lost together

A little bit of background: When I first started writing, all the songs I wrote seemed to have a simple rhyme scheme to them. But after awhile that grew kind of old and I started to branch out and try a little bit more free verse stuff. I know that this is bit of a mess, but it's the first draft fresh out of my mind and feels. Tell me what you think? What can I do better? Where can I go from here? If you have any ideas for a next verse or bridge, just leave it down below. 

Hi, Jonathan

I think this is a pretty good start. I like rhymes but of course they're not necessary. It all depends on you.
My initial reaction after reading this was that a guy was singing but then I started questioning that when I reached the prechorus.

The prechorus is a lead in to the chorus, so I'm confused when he?... says  "As you whisper"..... and then I am wondering hmm have I got it backwards and it's a girl that supposed to be singing?     I don't know maybe I'm just reading into it too much? I just wasn't sure the chorus was supposed to be the singer's words or him uttering his lady friends words which wouldn't make sense as  the 5th line of the chorus reads  " I'm just a lost boy and you're a lost girl".

As for where to go with this? Hmm.   How did the tables get turned on the singer?  What's going on here?  I can use my imagination and deduce what this about but it's kind of unclear, at least to me. 

So far what I do know is.............. where?  setting =  bedroom     what?  love interest, teenagers

What comes next? ..................  Imagine your two characters. Is there a conflict? Sounds like there might be but not sure.  Lots of ways you could continue.
One person wants to stay frozen in the moment. Does the other feel the same?  Why does hearing the love interest's words make the other person feel like they're falling apart at the seams?  

Hope this is helpful


Carl



By the way - Critiquing two other artist's work might motivate them to help out with yours. 

Enjoyed Da Read.Looking forward to hearing this one.

Thanks for the advice, Carl. I guess I have to take a lot of that into consideration to actually make a song that MAKES SENSE. I mean it all kind of came out as me just writing the first things I could think of onto a piece of paper, so there's that. Ehh. But that's probably just a lame excuse for continuity errors. 

Hmmm...

This may "seem" like a nitpick, but you want do't want to "seem" incapable of correct spelling. It's not "seemly". So, people are like clothing, which has "seams" where the different pieces of cloth are sewn together. So, people fall apart at the "seams", not "seems". Just like clothing. There's your free spelling lesson for the day.  Ott

OD: OK, a couple of thoughts. "stay seventeen" did not work for me. "stay with me" didn't work either. As a matter of fact, a song with that title just won a whole bunch of music awards, and I didn't care for that song at all. So, I had some negative thoughts, and no constructive criticism. I'll be more helpful when I have something positive to contribute! Ott

Definitely an interesting start, and I'd be very curious to hear what it sounds like behind some instruments.The verse strikes me as a little unstructured, if not forced. I can still imagine the potential, but in my opinion it would flow better if that first stanza was cleaned up and balanced out. There were also a few spelling errors which have already been pointed out.