Definitely an interesting start, and I'd be very curious to hear what it sounds like behind some instruments.The verse strikes me as a little unstructured, if not forced. I can still imagine the potential, but in my opinion it would flow better if that first stanza was cleaned up and balanced out. There were also a few spelling errors which have already been pointed out.
I think the chorus could be catchy and sound really good, but without hearing the song it sounds to me like it's a little wordy. The first two lines of the chorus flow easy and fit well with what a typical chorus should start like. But after that you kind of trail off and it doesn't fit as well.
Just my thoughts though. Good work!
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