Hi, Jonathan
I think this is a pretty good start. I like rhymes but of course they're not necessary. It all depends on you.
My initial reaction after reading this was that a guy was singing but then I started questioning that when I reached the prechorus.
The prechorus is a lead in to the chorus, so I'm confused when he?... says "As you whisper"..... and then I am wondering hmm have I got it backwards and it's a girl that supposed to be singing? I don't know maybe I'm just reading into it too much? I just wasn't sure the chorus was supposed to be the singer's words or him uttering his lady friends words which wouldn't make sense as the 5th line of the chorus reads " I'm just a lost boy and you're a lost girl".
As for where to go with this? Hmm. How did the tables get turned on the singer? What's going on here? I can use my imagination and deduce what this about but it's kind of unclear, at least to me.
So far what I do know is.............. where? setting = bedroom what? love interest, teenagers
What comes next? .................. Imagine your two characters. Is there a conflict? Sounds like there might be but not sure. Lots of ways you could continue.
One person wants to stay frozen in the moment. Does the other feel the same? Why does hearing the love interest's words make the other person feel like they're falling apart at the seams?
Hope this is helpful
Carl
By the way - Critiquing two other artist's work might motivate them to help out with yours.
I think this is a pretty good start. I like rhymes but of course they're not necessary. It all depends on you.
My initial reaction after reading this was that a guy was singing but then I started questioning that when I reached the prechorus.
The prechorus is a lead in to the chorus, so I'm confused when he?... says "As you whisper"..... and then I am wondering hmm have I got it backwards and it's a girl that supposed to be singing? I don't know maybe I'm just reading into it too much? I just wasn't sure the chorus was supposed to be the singer's words or him uttering his lady friends words which wouldn't make sense as the 5th line of the chorus reads " I'm just a lost boy and you're a lost girl".
As for where to go with this? Hmm. How did the tables get turned on the singer? What's going on here? I can use my imagination and deduce what this about but it's kind of unclear, at least to me.
So far what I do know is.............. where? setting = bedroom what? love interest, teenagers
What comes next? .................. Imagine your two characters. Is there a conflict? Sounds like there might be but not sure. Lots of ways you could continue.
One person wants to stay frozen in the moment. Does the other feel the same? Why does hearing the love interest's words make the other person feel like they're falling apart at the seams?
Hope this is helpful
Carl
By the way - Critiquing two other artist's work might motivate them to help out with yours.
Like