Evolved to: It Can't Be Mine

1st draft. Insomnia last night and while bangin on the flat top wrote this in about a half hour. I plan on doing this realtime just a guitar and vox runnin at about 120 or better bpm my usual acoustic blues style.

All comments and suggestions are welcomed. Thanks Edits In Red

Intro Last edit 6/26

Livin the life, everything was fine edit 6/26
Had no worries thought you were mine
Then came the day your car broke downedit 6/26
A the tow truck driver came to the houseedit 6/25

Behind my back you'se seeing him
He's takin yo love I'm payin the rent
Was my first taste of playin the fool
You making me crazythis ain't cool

Chorus
Tell me baby don't be lyin
Is SHE his or is SHE mine EDIT 6/26
Tell me baby please don't lie edit 6/26
Is SHE his or is SHE mine EDIT 6/26
Tell me baby why oh why edit 6/26
All I do is cry cry cry edit 6/26


Instrumental Break

This is where it all unwinds
You sure broke the tie that binds edit 6/25
You and me baby sure were tight edit 6/25
Now all we got is fuss and a fight edit 6/25

Chorus

Tell me babydon't be lyin
Is SHE his or is SHE mine EDIT 6/26
Tell me baby please don't lie edit 6/26
Is it SHE or is SHE mine EDIT 6/26
Tell me baby why oh why edit 6/26
All we do is cry cry cry edit 6/26

Outro

          Current Version  http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13167072

Livin the life everything was fine
Had no worries thought you were mine
Then came the day the car broke down
A tow truck driver came to the house

Behind my back you was seeing him
He's stealin yo love I'm payin the rent
Was my first taste of bein the fool
Your knocked up now we're all thru

Chorus

I've been workin day and night
U know it's his it can't be mine
Come on baby don't be lyin
U know it's his it can't be mine
I'm all crazy me oh my
Cuse me folks while I lose my mind

Instrumental Break

This is where it all unwinds
You done broke the tie that binds
You and me baby we all thru
Don't blame me it's all on you

Chorus

I've been workin day and night
U know it's his it can't be mine
Come on baby don't be lyin
U know it's his it can't be mine
I'm all crazy me oh my
Cuse me folks while I lose my mind

Dan Ol Buddy,  I'll just give you my opinion, and realize I don't know what I'm talking about.  Your lyrics make no sense even though I can imagine what you may be talking about.  I think you are trying to be clever with poetic passages in your lyrics but they are not conversational at all, meaning the average listener has probably lost all interest in what you are talking about.

Hey Dog ! Your opinion of my song is the same as my wife's. 
Like I said I got a whole 1/2 hour in it. it started with the Hook/Chorus. I know you know what I'm talking about.
Who's the Daddy?

I hear you about the stove line and bangin the Clown. I need to work on that. I was trying to say she hooked up with the appliance repair man. 

If you can help make my point more eloquently, We'll be partners on this 1.

Maybe I should change, He's tasting you to, He's taking you, I'm paying the rent.

And yes I want to sing it. I don't want to do just another she fooled around and broke my heart thang!
I want to be abit abrasive, but do it better than this1st write. Im gonna do it realtime solo, me and the box.
I got some good ideas on the guitar just got to learn to play them smoothly.

 This is the 1st tune I have written in over a year. My last was March of 14. It was called Punani. I probably just taught you a new word.
Thanks for the input and write me some lines !

Dan

               Edited 6/25
                    Intro

Livin in love, everything was fine
Had no worries  thought you were mine
Then came the day the car broke down
When the tow truck driver came to the house

Behind my back you'se seeing him in
He's takin yo love  I'm payin the rent
Was my first taste of playin the fool
You making me crazy this ain't cool

Chorus
Tell me baby  don't be lyin
Is it his or is it mine
Oh baby baby why oh why
All I do is cry cry cry
Tell me baby please don't lie       edit 6/25
Is it his or is it mine

Instrumental Break

This is where it all unwinds
You sure broke the tie that binds    edit 6/25
You and me baby were so tight      edit 6/25
Now all we got is fuss and fight

Chorus

Tell me baby  don't be lyin
Is it his or is it mine
Oh baby baby why oh why
All I do is cry cry cry
Tell me Baby  please don't lie     edit 6/25
Is it his or is it mine

Outro

Hey OD.

That's a totally different song you wrote. Im still refining this latest write. Im not going for a sappy love song.
Im going for intense. I'm trying to be original. Can you name one song about the wife cheating and getting knocked up ?

You know its hard to write a song about a subject that has not already been worn out.
Like my song Widow Maker. Find another tune about having a heart attack.

Im not a religious man but ,I will thank god you are not a woman! You'd be one coyote ugly biatch! Ahahahaah!

Thanks for your input ole buddy. I appreciate it. I really do.

Dan

My wife is Polish and she knew exactly what I was talking about. It''s all good. If we are ever sitting havin a conversation. I'll talk real slow and explain as I go.

Don't blame diminished capacity on the beer. Blame it on all the biscuits, gravy and various parts of the pig you have probably consumed for a lifetime.

My girl been puttin up with me for over 33 years. We celebrated 32.yrs of marriage the 18th of this month. When it comes to wives,I got one of the best. I had a heart attack 7/4/11 she sat right beside me for 4 days in the same dress and without a shower. I couldn't even get her to go to the house and get me some pajamas.

I did gain some insight from your dim witted earlier comment.

Im changing Is it his or is it mine to,Is she his or is she mine. This way will clear it up for those folks like yourself whose lights don't shine so bright.

Thanks for the input OD but the lyrics posted below this response is probably how it will all go down.

Just know. Even though not in print,you are here in spirit, a major influence hidden within the crafting of this opulent piece. For that I thank you. 

I will get a cut of this over the weekend.  Be sure to have your best sox on and your shoes laced up tight


   IS SHE HIS OR IS SHE MINE                           EDIT 6/26

Livin the life, everything was fine                            edit 6/26
Had no worries thought you were mine
Then came the day your car broke down                edit 6/26
A the tow truck driver came to the house               edit 6/25

Behind my back you'se seeing him
He's takin yo love I'm payin the rent
Was my first taste of playin the fool
You making me crazy this ain't cool

Chorus
Tell me baby don't be lyin
Is SHE his or is SHE mine                               EDIT 6/26
Tell me baby please don't lie                             edit 6/26
Is SHE his or is SHE mine                               EDIT 6/26
Tell me baby why oh why                                 edit 6/26
All I do is cry cry cry                                       edit  6/26


Instrumental Break

This is where it all unwinds
You sure broke the tie that binds                         edit 6/25
You and me baby sure were tight                        edit 6/25
Now all we got is fuss and a fight                        edit 6/25

Chorus

Tell me baby don't be lyin
Is SHE his or is SHE mine                                   EDIT 6/26
Tell me baby please don't lie                                 edit 6/26
Is SHE his or is SHE mine                                   EDIT 6/26
Tell me baby why oh why                                     edit 6/26
All I do is cry cry cry                                           edit   6/26

Outro

No problem Brother, good luck with it.

I'm not sure I want to be a party to this either, but I vote for "it" rather than "she". When I read "she", I automatically wonder, why not "he"?  "It" could refer to either gender. Or did this lady run home after a test and exclaim to her husband, "it's a girl!"?

Hi Ott. I agree with you about it instead of she or he. I was trying to help my ole buddy Porkchop understand. He was so confused by my lyrics he was thinkin I was referring to her HooHoo. But hey, consider the source.

I don't get why this write makes folks distance themselves from it. It is a song about adultery which thousands of songs are about..
This one has the added twist of the adulteress got knocked up by her lover. I think I have broken new ground. Can you name another song addressing this subject? I am sure the subject of which I spoke,happens on a regular basis.

Thanks for your opinion Ott. I am going back to is it his or is it mine. It also sings more easily.

Dan: Several years ago, I went to a TAXI convention, and spent some money to spend an hour privately with Pat Luboff (sp?), for her to critique some of my tunes. She and her husband are quite well known in songwriting circles. She listened to my tune "I've Brought You A Kiss" (on my page here) and commented: "Real pretty tune. very touching and poignant, and excellent production -- so, who you gonna get to sing it -- Loretta Lynn?"

I really didn't have a target audience in mind. I just had the hook come to mind and started toying with the idea. I don't believe anyone can come out of left field and get recorded on a major label these days. All the major players have dozens of staff writers competing for the latest hit.

So it's much better to murder the adulteress than to mention she got knocked up by her lover ? If that be the case humanity is much more sick than I thought. Also someone has already wrote a song about that. I'm trying to write a song about something that has not been said. My goal is originality lyrically and musically. I will do my best to have a decent guitar and vocal cut by tomorrow.

I'll probably be lacking a little, 17 days no wine. I'm abstaining until 12/31/15 @ which point let the party begin!

Thanks for the input Ott!

Dan: I was trying to be ironic and humorous with that chorus, and obviously did not pull it off. My apologies! Ott

You put me to thinkin. My line in the chorus which sais, baby baby why oh why all I do is cry cry cry should be baby baby why oh why that Son of a bitch has got to die ?

LOL!    Ott

After many behind the scenes discussions with OD and numerous rewrites with us responding one to the other with many flattering names, this one ended up as, It Can't Be Mine.     Here's a link to my progress. The harp fills and the vox will be redone and I hope to add some electric guitar, i have only been playing acoustic for a few years and I haven't plugged in sometime, my skills are very lacking.
 I'm still open to adding more lyrics. I added extra length to the song for that purpose.  All input is appreciated. Thanks in advance

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13167072

Livin the life everything was fine
Had no worries thought you were mine
Then came the day the car broke down
A tow truck driver came to the house

Behind my back you was seeing him
He's stealin yo love I'm payin the rent
Was my first taste of bein the fool
Your knocked up now we're all thru

Chorus

I've been workin day and night
U know it's his it can't be mine
Come on baby don't be lyin
U know it's his it can't be mine
I'm all crazy me oh my
Cuse me folks while I lose my mind

Instrumental Break

This is where it all unwinds
You done broke the tie that binds
You and me baby we all thru
Don't blame me it's all on you

Chorus

I've been workin day and night
U know it's his it can't be mine
Come on baby don't be lyin
U know it's his it can't be mine
I'm all crazy me oh my
Cuse me folks while I lose my mind

Okay, Dan. I like what you're doing here and what you've got so far, but I have some ideas for you and this song. However, before I get to that I just want to comment on a few things that have been said so far in this thread.

>"I really didn't have a target audience in mind. I just had the hook come to mind and started toying with the idea. I don't believe anyone can come out of left field and get recorded on a major label these days. All the major players have dozens of staff writers competing for the latest hit." - Don Lemons, 2015

That's totally okay, man. There is a HUGE audience for people who make concept tracks/albums(i.e. The Mountain Goats, The Wonder Years, La Dispute, etc.). So not really having an audience for a song with a theme like this is okay. It tells a story of heartbreak, there are LOADS of people who unfortunately can relate to a track like this! Secondly: sure, it's very rare for people to get swept off their feet to a major label. Yes. But a bunch of amazing artists have worked from small town communities and music scenes that have gone on to be come well known bands. They initially didn't have people to write songs for them to start off. People had to sign them for SOME reason.

>"Also someone has already wrote a song about that. I'm trying to write a song about something that has not been said. My goal is originality lyrically and musically."-Dane Leoniads, 2015

Originality is super important and very valuable to have. I find sometimes it's really hard to be completely original, which is why you should write things that mean something to YOU. I find that the more meaning we put into our own work, the more original the lyrics turn out to be. Just a simple thought. This post has gone on way too long. NOW, ONTO THE SONG CRITIQUE!
 

K. So continuing my rant, I like the song so far. I like the concept. Really sad. I hope something like this hasn't actually happened to you. If it has, oh my goodness that's terrible and you deserve better. ANYWAY! Instrumentally, it's a lot happier than I thought it would be. Like damn, son. If I were more into country I'd probably want to rage to this track. I envisioned this sounding more like just a simple guitar, harmonica, and maybe some soft drums when you mentioned blues earlier in the thread. But hey, it's your song. You do you, man. You've got a great voice for the genre that you sing. It fits the tone like a glove. I'm sure you probably already knew that though. Now, as far as some of the little effects go. Personally, I don't really care for the chorus/flanger effect that you put on your voice. It doesn't really match the tone of the song and also(in my opinion) when put on vocals it always sounds super forced. Also the little synth you have in the beginning and in between the verses also sounds a little bit unnatural and forced in there too. It just doesn't sound like it fits in a country blues song. Now as for the lyrics, I think they're great! Maybe put a few filler words in there to have the song flow a little bit better. Y'know? The only real thing I have to say about them is maybe not have the "you know it's his; it can't be mine" sung twice. Maybe try coming up with another line that adds to the effect of the song? Anyway, I think this is a really great song you have here. 

Hi Jon! I appreciate your in depth analysis. The song is purely a product of too much Jerry Springer and did not happen to me. How ever, I think that Old Dog may have been a guest on one of those shows.
During one of my bouts of insomnia, the song started with a riff and the line is it his or is it mine.

It's a work in progress, this is the 1st production I have attempted in quite awhile. I usually drink some wine and bang it out on the flat top. Almost all the songs on my page are simple realtime buzz cuts.

I haven't posted the latest progress yet, I have added some overdrive guitar fills and moved the crash cymbals a few milliseconds into their correct position. My vocal track is not a keeper, it is very poor and I added lots of processing to cover it up. The synth sounds you didn't like now have a single note overdriven sustaining guitar vibrato sitting in the midst of it.

My goal is for the song to be intense musically like the subject matter. i want lots of bells and whistles leading to an intense craziness like the situation,but decently arranged with a space for everything. Organized Chaos !
I am approaching this as a project that will keep me amused for quite awhile.

Thanks for your input !

updated link with lead fills http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13167072

Dan Ol Buddy, is this song open for discussion; or are the lyrics final???

Dog, Im open to suggestions, even from you. Just don't get all sappy with them. The present vocal is the 1st cut and will be redone..

Lets hear'em !

Enjoyed Da Read.

All she does is cry cry cry

All I do is sigh sigh sigh.