Here's a song I wrote earlier this week. I know my style is typically a little obscure, convoluted and maybe even a little cryptic, so I tried to make this more catchy and straight forward. It's still got a few metaphors and wordy parts, but I think I found a somewhat happy medium. That's what I'd like to hear your opinions about: the clarity of the writing and also you're overall first impression.
Some notes:
- I'm not very comfortable with the bridge yet, so that's subject to change or be taken out entirely. It just felt forced, but I still want a few parting stanzas before the last chorus..so we'll see.
- While reading over it right now, I can see how the flow and/or melody might be tricky to imagine (which is something I'm trying to work on, though I think a lot of popular songs would be odd to read without have already heard the melody). Having said that, I'd be more than happy to upload the recording a provide a soundcloud link if anyone gets lost.
- The chorus doesn't have a strong rhyme scheme, because honestly I didn't think it needed one.
And of course, anything that I've mentioned that you disagree with, or if there are any other suggestions you'd like to make, please don't hesitate. I'm always trying to learn and find new inspiration!
EDIT: The last line in the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 5th verse goes along with a little chord change. Those one-liners are kind of trailing thoughts to the stanzas they're in. Again, hopefully not too confusing (I'm probably hurting myself the more I try to explain everything). As I'm reading it, I can just see how it might seem weird.
[Verse]
Another blink of the eye
Silver lines beware
She's an earthquake running
Out of control, Into your head
She climbed my mountain
And jumped off the top
She landed right where
You told her to stop
It's a joke that just won't quit
This wish of mine
[Chorus]
I don't think you're ready to look out
a window all fogged up
You're on a train doesn't stop
Until you stop this lieing
A ripple in the water from
the rock I threw to you
But I missed and made a wave
Oh well, she said, oh well
[Verse]
Underneath it all I see
What you failed to hide
Top to bottom falling out
This vision is all mine
But I still hear you
Saying that I'm so blind to you
Don't look back while I leave
she said when she was gone
I didn't mean to leave so quick
As I just saw you run
[Chorus]
You're not ready to look out
a window that is all fogged up
You're on a train doesn't stop
Until you stop lieing
A ripple in the water from
The rock I threw to you
But I missed and made a wave
Oh well, she said, oh well
oh well, she said, oh well
[Verse]
A summer dress, A midday's rest
One to tell the kids of
A rocky beach, your heart's long reach
I see the flowing field now
Just a bird overhead
[Bridge?]
I never knew, that you wanted me, that's what she said
I never saw, that look you gave, I heard instead
As time flies by
The fire grows quiet
[Chorus]
You're not ready to look out
a window that is all fogged up
This train doesn't stop
Until you stop this lieing
A ripple in the water from
The rock I threw at you
But I missed and made a wave
Oh well, she said, oh well
Oh well, she said, oh well
Oh well, she said, oh well...
Underneath it all I see
What you failed to hide
Top to bottom falling out
This vision is all mine
But I still hear you
Saying that I'm so blind to you
Don't look back while I leave
she said when she was gone
I didn't mean to leave so quick
As I just saw you run
[Chorus]
You're not ready to look out
a window that is all fogged up
You're on a train doesn't stop
Until you stop lieing
A ripple in the water from
The rock I threw to you
But I missed and made a wave
Oh well, she said, oh well
oh well, she said, oh well
[Verse]
A summer dress, A midday's rest
One to tell the kids of
A rocky beach, your heart's long reach
I see the flowing field now
Just a bird overhead
[Bridge?]
I never knew, that you wanted me, that's what she said
I never saw, that look you gave, I heard instead
As time flies by
The fire grows quiet
[Chorus]
You're not ready to look out
a window that is all fogged up
This train doesn't stop
Until you stop this lieing
A ripple in the water from
The rock I threw at you
But I missed and made a wave
Oh well, she said, oh well
Oh well, she said, oh well
Oh well, she said, oh well...
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