Instead of following OD’s suggestion about trying to rewrite Dennis’ song, “I Don’t Need You Anymore”, I decided to provide an example of what I was talking about.
Here’s a very “bitter” jazz song about rejection. In fact, this one is even darker than Dennis’ song. While, in his song, Dennis concludes that he’s better off and much happier without his ex, all I can conclude in mine (reluctantly) is that I just better leave, period.
This follows the classic A-A-B-A jazz song structure. So there’s two verses before you get to the bridge (there is no real chorus).
I used rhymes, including some double rhymes, throughout. I used a common phrase, “excuse me” (a polite form of apology), in an unusual way to communicate my disgust with my ex (kind of like the way Steve Martin used to say, more comically, “Well, exc-u-u-u-se me!”).
Critique away, if you wish.
**************************************
"Excuse Me"
VERSE 1:
Here’s a very “bitter” jazz song about rejection. In fact, this one is even darker than Dennis’ song. While, in his song, Dennis concludes that he’s better off and much happier without his ex, all I can conclude in mine (reluctantly) is that I just better leave, period.
This follows the classic A-A-B-A jazz song structure. So there’s two verses before you get to the bridge (there is no real chorus).
I used rhymes, including some double rhymes, throughout. I used a common phrase, “excuse me” (a polite form of apology), in an unusual way to communicate my disgust with my ex (kind of like the way Steve Martin used to say, more comically, “Well, exc-u-u-u-se me!”).
Critique away, if you wish.
**************************************
"Excuse Me"
© 2015 C.W. Brownell
VERSE 1:
Excuse me, I'd like back my heart
You know, that plaything you just broke apart?
I’d like the pieces before it ceases to be kind
I think you still have time
VERSE 2:
Excuse me for failing your test
I’m truly sorry that I’m not the best
What was I thinking? What was I drinking?
Excuse me
BRIDGE:
When you put my love on a shelf
I knew just what to do
I’d have to go excuse myself
There’s no excusing you
VERSE 3:
So excuse me for crowding your space
You don’t need someone with tears down his face
No sense in grieving—I'll just be leaving
Excuse me
(Musical Interlude/Jazz Solo)
(Repeat BRIDGE and VERSE 3)
OUTRO:
No sense in grieving—I'll just be leaving
Excuse me
Like
