Hi, Charles
Good to see you posting again! I like this one. Nice title. Insomniac. With so many sleep disorders out there and for so many reasons I think this is one people could relate to despite the cause.
I found this fairly easy to sing. One suggestion, you can keep, think about or sweep away if it doesn't appeal.
I was left wishing at first there was mention made about the main characters love interest earlier on in the piece before the last two chorus lines, but then I'll retract that thought if you read on.
The audience doesn't get wind of heartbreak perhaps being the catalyst for this singer's woes and sleep problems till the end of the 1st chorus. Then that love interest is not even mentioned again until what I will call the 3rd verse or verse 5 if you count each separation between lines which to me is really one verse even though you've got two groups for each verse until the end.
Here's my thought. Have all of the choruses including the 1st chorus look like this below
(Chorus)
And oooo ya I'm breaking.....
And oooo ya...oh ya I'm breaking...
Insomnia well it breaks you down
Insomniac ya I wear that crown
Can't shut off my mind it just runs around
I've run out sheep I used to slow it down
You've then eliminated the last two lines which to me were a jerked or sudden intro that is abrupt with regards to the love interest. Bare with me and hear me out to see where I'm going! lol : )
Then instead of having a final 4 line verse after your 2nd chorus, you transform those last two chorus lines into a bridge with lines, words and or ideas from the final verse. This way it adds dimension to the character's problem and offers an explanation as to why he has it. Otherwise in my humble opinion the love interest is entered into what's going on abruptly and half heartedly at the tail end of the 1st chorus and isn't brought up again till the final verse after the 2nd verse and 2nd chorus.
Bridge could go something like this (only a suggestion to get you to think about your work, not my intent to impose ideas or change) just food for thought as it is your lyric and baby.
(Bridge)
I can't believe that she's gone from my life
Still can't sleep cuz my thoughts twist like a knife
Blackened eyes and restlessness come not from war
It's the thoughts and emotional stress of when she walked out the door
Good to see you posting again! I like this one. Nice title. Insomniac. With so many sleep disorders out there and for so many reasons I think this is one people could relate to despite the cause.
I found this fairly easy to sing. One suggestion, you can keep, think about or sweep away if it doesn't appeal.
I was left wishing at first there was mention made about the main characters love interest earlier on in the piece before the last two chorus lines, but then I'll retract that thought if you read on.
The audience doesn't get wind of heartbreak perhaps being the catalyst for this singer's woes and sleep problems till the end of the 1st chorus. Then that love interest is not even mentioned again until what I will call the 3rd verse or verse 5 if you count each separation between lines which to me is really one verse even though you've got two groups for each verse until the end.
Here's my thought. Have all of the choruses including the 1st chorus look like this below
(Chorus)
And oooo ya I'm breaking.....
And oooo ya...oh ya I'm breaking...
Insomnia well it breaks you down
Insomniac ya I wear that crown
Can't shut off my mind it just runs around
I've run out sheep I used to slow it down
You've then eliminated the last two lines which to me were a jerked or sudden intro that is abrupt with regards to the love interest. Bare with me and hear me out to see where I'm going! lol : )
Then instead of having a final 4 line verse after your 2nd chorus, you transform those last two chorus lines into a bridge with lines, words and or ideas from the final verse. This way it adds dimension to the character's problem and offers an explanation as to why he has it. Otherwise in my humble opinion the love interest is entered into what's going on abruptly and half heartedly at the tail end of the 1st chorus and isn't brought up again till the final verse after the 2nd verse and 2nd chorus.
Bridge could go something like this (only a suggestion to get you to think about your work, not my intent to impose ideas or change) just food for thought as it is your lyric and baby.
(Bridge)
I can't believe that she's gone from my life
Still can't sleep cuz my thoughts twist like a knife
Blackened eyes and restlessness come not from war
It's the thoughts and emotional stress of when she walked out the door
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