Donna Devine
#0
I'd jotted down a few verse lines some time ago. Thought I'd see now whether I could construct a cohesive story. 

Genre: Singer-songwriter. 

Hypothetically, I envisage film/tv, a background track. That's why the descriptions are generic, simply showing the guy in a simple scenario (bedroom & bathroom). The listener can imagine his/her own things that might have mattered.

MALE vocals.

Constructive critique welcome. Have at it, folks. :)

Donna

UPDATE: Recent adjustment in the bridge (in blue). 16.11.15 - changes to lines 3-5 in the chorus.

What Became of the Dreams?

V1
I toss the tangled blanket
Stumble to my feet
Dread the day already
Hate the people that I'll meet

V2
I lean into the mirror
Try to swing a smile
Eyes that watch me flatly
Know I've missed it by a mile

Pre-chorus
Feels like I'm wearing a mask
…It's hard not to ask

Chorus
What became of the dreams
I had as a boy
The joy of discovery
The choices I'd make
Chances I'd take
...What became of the dreams?

V3
I crack a pack of caffeine
Swallow five or six
Hope they'll keep me going
Add an aspirin to the mix

Pre-chorus
Feels like I'm wearing a mask
…It's hard not to ask

Chorus
What became of the dreams
I had as a boy
The joy of discovery
The choices I'd make
Chances I'd take
...What became of the dreams?

Bridge
I long to let go
Of this falling ladder 
Reach back and grab hold
Of what used to matter

What became of the dreams
I had as a boy
The joy of discovery
The choices I'd make
Chances I'd take
...What became of the dreams?

© 2015 Donna Devine
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Carl B
#1
Hi, Donna

Looks good to me. Only thing I am left wondering about is in the bridge. Where he sings: " I know I've let go of what used to matter". What does that mean?  And what does that mean to a boy who when I was one in my experience, I was innocent, carefree and things zipped in and out of my head as quickly as I was active playing games, sports and doing activities like drawing pictures which was my favorite. 

What you have about the corporate ladder illustrates the sterile feeling almost like Anakin Skywalker mutating into Darth Vader, having taken the wrong path, but as  a listener I am left wondering what then could this individual now a man have done differently. Did he dream about being a musician? Owning a farm? Having a family and instead he's married to his job?
 I suppose what you've got is as generic as it could be but making it more personal in the case of the character you've portrayed here might also make the audience identify more with his situation which I think many might be able to relate to.

Just some thoughts
But with or without the changes I think it works the way it is.

Carl
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Ott Lukk
#2
Donna: I think the lyrics are spot on, maybe too much so. What came into my head was, "who is the target audience'? Well, maybe guys feeling sorry for themselves, but the rest of the world might think this guy is whining. I want to hear the guy change his mind and go chase his dreams!  Ott
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Donna Devine
#3
All good points, Carl. But I wanted to leave that part of the slate clean so that folks could chalk in their own story. In a tv/film background scenario, lyrical details shouldn't conflict in any way with the actual storyline. (Of course, this film/tv scenario is all in my mind! LOL ) 

I know what you mean, Ott. I normally always take a lyric in a slightly different direction in the bridge, to give the story momentum (and 'hope', where required). In this case, though, I thought it might work by keeping the tone the same throughout. 

While writing the bridge, however, I did feel it pulled too much downwards.

I'll have a shot at twisting the direction a little. 

Thank you both for your feedback. :) 

Donna 
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John Westwood
#4
If it had a killer  melody  and arrangement, the points the guys make  would not be pertinent but as a lyric only   they have soome merit  esp if  it was recorded in current  country  style with current  country  thinking.

I heard  whiter shade of pale  for the first  time  in years  today . WTH was it all about  apart from being a monster hit  with a  totally  memorable organ   piece   and  some catch phrases  that  didnt make a lot of sense..

 jes  saying   :)

 Jdub aka Jw  aka j .

You can find me most places  even the John
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Donna Devine
#5
John, thank you for your comments here. :)
(You're right about Whiter Shade of Pale. Gorgeous song, and entirely cryptic. Killer hook! Wink )

Meanwhile, I've made an adjustment to the bridge. I never felt 100% happy with the 'corporate ladder' image. It seemed too narrow a focus. I think the notion of a 'breaking' ladder is more universal. It could apply to any situation.

Thoughts, anyone?

Donna
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Chris Brownell
#6
Donna, I know not every song needs to explain itself, but I keep asking what is this guy's damage? So he's disappointed by the "rat race"? Join the club, buddy!

Maybe he's like me and wishes he would done something more with music when he was younger. (Now there would be an explanation I could relate to!) Or maybe he chose his career over that "perfect girl" who was crazy about him back in his twenties (you know, like Ebenezer Scrooge did). A little explanation could go a long way with this song.

Just a thought....
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Donna Devine
#7
Chris, thank you for your feedback. I've given the chorus more thought, and still feel it need not be so specific. I perceive the boy (when the man was a child) as being quite young, in his pre-teens, and a boy's dreams at that age are not likely to be realisable anyway. (He might have wanted to be Batman, or a super-hero, or an astronaut, or whatever.)

I have, however, adjusted lines 3-5 in the chorus to - I hope - provide a sense of the feelings the boy might have had about his future. It's clear the man feels he has forfeited the sense of joy of discovery, the possibility of making new choices, and pursuing other opportunities. I think people will be able to relate to that. 

Thank you for the nudge. Wink

I've also changed a word in V3 (from 'uppers' to 'caffeine').

Donna
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Eddie Rhoades
#8
It's good to leave interpretation to the listener. It seems to me (only) it is about a boy transitioning to a man and having regrets in a "what if" frame of mind.
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John Westwood
#9
There seems to be 2 schools of thought.
Write like a kiddie  book where every t is crossed and every i  is dotted

or

Leave something to be interpreted, something  for the imagination.

Neither is  right  nor  wrong.

There is a school of thought that  everyone needs to  do it one way   to get heard  by the hit makers.  Thats Ok !....for them

 There are also a lot of  folk who write  for themsleves  and maybe a niche  market , that is  just as  Ok  too.

Its kinda  like  "what  do you want to be? A teensy weensy  fish in an ocean of sharks  or a big  goldfish  in a small pond?"

"What ever  floats  your  duckweed" is my  view

Jdub
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Dennis Wright
#10
Ms. Donna, I agree with all of the above. Nice lyric.Dennis
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Larry Killam
#11
WinkAWESOME READWink Enjoyed.Looking forward to hearing Dis One for sure WinkLOVE ITWink
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