Chris Brownell
#0
Here's a jazz song about being outlandishly greedy ... for love.

Reactions? Criticisms? Recommendations?


"Would You?"

© 2015 C.W. Brownell


VERSE 1:

If I wanted to catch midnight, would you lasso me the moon?

If I wanted to own summer, would you buy me half of June?

When you get done delivering, here's one more thing to do--

If I wanted some affection, would you spare a kiss ... or two?



VERSE 2:

If I wanted to feel lucky, would you fetch the Blarney Stone?

If I wanted cacciatore, would you fly me off to Rome?

But I'd forget those little things, if one big thing came true--

If I wanted you to love me, would you?



BRIDGE:

I might ask too much--

As such, I stand accused

But you can't call it greed

If all I need is all of you



VERSE 3:

If I wanted to be famous, would you put me on the dime?

If I wanted to start over, would you take me back in time?

But I could do without the rest, if this request came through--

If I wanted you to love me, would you?
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Donna Devine
#1
A tight little write, Chris. Fun imagery. Nice use of the AABA format.

A couple of observations/comments below. Keep or sweep, of course. Wink

Donna

"Would You?"



© 2015 C.W. Brownell


VERSE 1:

If I wanted to catch midnight, would you lasso me the moon?

If I wanted to own summer, would you buy me half of June?

When you got done delivering, there'd be one more thing to do--

If I wanted some affection, would you spare a kiss ... or two?



VERSE 2:

If I wanted to feel lucky, would you fetch the Blarney Stone?

If I wanted cacciatore, would you fly me off to Rome?

But I'd forget those little things, if one big thing came true--

If I wanted you to love me, would you? The shortness of this line (also in V3) throws me a bit of track.
It inserts a sense of tension in the verses which I don't think suits the overall vibe. I prefer the laid-back flow of line 4 in V1. But of course it's your baby. Wink


BRIDGE:

I might ask too much--   Suggest 'I might be asking too much'. The present participle seems to slide more easily into the sense in the next line.
As such, I stand accused

But you can't call it greed The verses are so light and charming, I find the word 'greed' - which is essentially negative - is jarring, as it doesn't suit the mood (though I like the internal 'greed'/'need' rhyme). Perhaps you could come up with something similar but fitting the mood?
If all I need is all of you



VERSE 3:

If I wanted to be famous, would you put me on the dime? 
If I wanted to start over, would you take me back in time? This example feels out of place, since it implies the couple have already had a relationship. Perhaps rethink this line. 
But I could do without the rest, if this request came through--

If I wanted you to love me, would you?
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Chris Brownell
#2
Donna:

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments!

I didn't know the line about going back in time might be viewed as negative of contradictory. I'll have to think some more about the last verse.

Regarding the word "greed" in the Bridge, it's kind of central to the song. This is a light-hearted song about making extravagant demands. Everything the singer requests is either way too expensive or just plain impossible to give--except for love. If you think about it, however, one of the most extravagant things one person can request from another human being is his/her love and affection. But it's not greed to want that, is it? That's the point the singer makes in the bridge.

Finally, the last lines in Verses 2 and 3 are short to fit the music. Once I get the song recorded, you'll see how it works.

Thanks again for your comments.
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Dennis Wright
#3
I think this is beautifully written. I wouldn't change anything. I probably would add a bridge to it. But it's beautiful. I love it.
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Chris Brownell
#4
Thanks, Dennis! The song is written in the AABA style, so the "B" part is already the bridge.
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Larry Killam
#5
Enjoyed Da Read Me likes as is.All Da Best with itWink

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