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Thread: WOULD YOU?
Donna Devine
#1
A tight little write, Chris. Fun imagery. Nice use of the AABA format.

A couple of observations/comments below. Keep or sweep, of course. Wink

Donna

"Would You?"



© 2015 C.W. Brownell


VERSE 1:

If I wanted to catch midnight, would you lasso me the moon?

If I wanted to own summer, would you buy me half of June?

When you got done delivering, there'd be one more thing to do--

If I wanted some affection, would you spare a kiss ... or two?



VERSE 2:

If I wanted to feel lucky, would you fetch the Blarney Stone?

If I wanted cacciatore, would you fly me off to Rome?

But I'd forget those little things, if one big thing came true--

If I wanted you to love me, would you? The shortness of this line (also in V3) throws me a bit of track.
It inserts a sense of tension in the verses which I don't think suits the overall vibe. I prefer the laid-back flow of line 4 in V1. But of course it's your baby. Wink


BRIDGE:

I might ask too much--   Suggest 'I might be asking too much'. The present participle seems to slide more easily into the sense in the next line.
As such, I stand accused

But you can't call it greed The verses are so light and charming, I find the word 'greed' - which is essentially negative - is jarring, as it doesn't suit the mood (though I like the internal 'greed'/'need' rhyme). Perhaps you could come up with something similar but fitting the mood?
If all I need is all of you



VERSE 3:

If I wanted to be famous, would you put me on the dime? 
If I wanted to start over, would you take me back in time? This example feels out of place, since it implies the couple have already had a relationship. Perhaps rethink this line. 
But I could do without the rest, if this request came through--

If I wanted you to love me, would you?