Wes Tibbets
#0
I did a 3rd rewrite based on suggestions I was given on here and other sites.I don't know if I fixed some of the issues or not. The rewrite is below the original in RED. CBelow it is a link to an acapella demo of the idea of it. I ran it by a friend of mine tonight and off the top of his head,  he saw it in a G-C9th-G-D all the way through with the exception of an A flat in the chorus.I don't know if that is right because I can't play guitar. And I can't sing well either. So you've been warned. Constructive comments, suggestions, crits and collabs are welcomed and appreciated.

What Are You Doing In My Head

Copyright 2016 by Wes Tibbets



VERSE ONE



I miss you since you've been gone

I think about where we went wrong

I surrendered to you heart and soul

But this heartache is growing old



CHORUS



So what are you doing in my head

When you're no longer lying in my bed

Don't you have somewhere to be instead

What are you doing in my head

What are you doing in my head



VERSE TWO



I remember the day you walked away

All the mean things we had to say

You wouldn't touch me, I wouldn't touch you

We were both glad that we were through



CHORUS



So what are you doing in my head

When you're no longer lying in my bed

Don't you have somewhere to be instead

What are you doing in my head

What are you doing in my head



BRIDGE



When you left you took everything

So what do you want with my dreams



CHORUS



What are you doing in my head

When you're no longer lying in my bed

Don't you have somewhere to be instead

What are you doing in my head

What are you doing in my head



TAG



What are you doing in my head

Girl, what are you doing in my head

3RD REWRITE

VERSE ONE



You still haunt me day by day

I wish thoughts of you would go away

I surrendered to you heart and soul

But these mind games are growing old



CHORUS



So what are you doing in my head

When you’re no longer lying in my bed

Don’t you have somewhere to be instead

What are you doing in my head

What are you doing in my head



VERSE TWO



We’ve both gone our separate ways

There's nothing left for us to say

You didn’t like me, I couldn't stand you

I thought we agreed that we were through



CHORUS



So what are you doing in my head

When you’re no longer lying in my bed

Don’t you have somewhere to be instead

What are you doing in my head

What are you doing in my head



BRIDGE



When you left you took your things

So what do you want with my dreams



CHORUS



What are you doing in my head

When you’re no longer lying in my bed

Don’t you have somewhere to be instead

What are you doing in my head

What are you doing in my head



TAG



What are you doing in my head

Girl, what are you doing in my head  


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Dan Lamons
#1
Hi Wes,

When you left you took everything

Now your back, stealin my dreams

My 02 for the cause.
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Bill Draper
#2
Good one Wes.I like the way each part adds to the story and builds to the Bridge....cool!
Bill
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Wes Tibbets
#3
Thanks fellas,

I appreciate the kind words and suggestion. I hope you are having a good day so far. Best wishes and God bless!
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Larry Killam
#4
Enjoyed Da Read Wes WinkU DA MANWink
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Wes Tibbets
#5
Thank you Larry,

My ex wives might disagree with you but that's kind of you to say. I hope you had a great day and you are doing well. Best wishes!
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1 liked
 likes this.
Wes Tibbets
#6
I did a rewrite to this. I would appreciate any feedback I can get. Thanks and I hope all of you are doing well. Best wishes!
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Carl B
#7
REWRITE


VERSE ONE



I think about you every day (Very cliche, but not a problem. Just an observation)

I see your face in every place

I surrendered to you heart and soul ----- Keep it all in the same tense if you can unless the story shifts from past, to present and or to future. Still surrender to your heart & soul

But this routine is growing old



CHORUS

I want to feel more of the guy's headache, pain, frustration, suffering to understand his situation. At present, he's whining, complaining. Turn him into a male Carrie Underwood. Make him conflicted, angrier, darker, while at the same time he's got the gal in his head, which actually contradicts what we're being led to believe are his true feelings. It's like he's in denial. In the verses he says he's thinking about this woman and in the chorus he's questioning why? Not good enough. Back up his questioning with some venom. Come on, it's ok for the gals to do it. Why not the guys? Double standard? Here's what I mean below.

What are ya' doin' in my head
A part of me wishes you were dead
You took the kids, house and cash
Then you were gone, like a lightning flash


What are you doing in my head

When you're no longer lying in my bed

Don't you have somewhere to be instead

What are you doing in my head

What are you doing in my head



VERSE TWO



I've been waiting patiently The lyric character is being too nice. This guy in the lyric needs to grow a pair and show us what he'd like to do if she doesn't get out of his head. Perhaps then once he either has a healthy outlet or release and or has a feeling of vindication, he can then let go and won't have her in his head anymore. Show us, don't tell us. You could do this in a bridge and or start fresh with your verses. Just some thoughts to think about.

Hoping that you would let me be

But memories of you keep hangin' round

Standin' here watchin' as I drown


Wes,

Keep or sweep all my thoughts & suggestions. Only trying to help!


Carl




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Wes Tibbets
#8
Hi Carl,

First off, let me say thank you for any advice you have to give. I certainly hold you and your opinion in high regard. I was actually in the middle of a 2nd rewrite while you were posting this.

The inspiration for this write comes from personal experience from things I went through in my divorces. Even though I knew we were over, I couldn't help but keep thinking about them and it drove me nuts for a long time. Even now if I think of them, I don't want to waste one second of my life dwelling on either one of them. I want them "out of my head". From what I can tell with your replies, I think you get that.

I loved the edgier thoughts for the hook. It really gave me pause while I considered it. But then something occurred to me that worries me about that a little. It's okay in today's politically correct world for a modern woman to say they wish the man would drop dead. Even in songs. But with all of the emphasis on domestic abuse focusing mostly on men, I'm a little reluctant to go that route without taking the chance that it will be found offensive by some percentage of the female audience and domestic violence organizations. Not that it will ever get to that stage but if it did, I would rather it be a message that crosses the line of both genders without risking offending anyone. Plus, I already have someone sold on the hook as is. The verses is where we've discussed making some changes. Since he is considering recording it, that's just where I think I need to keep my attention focused. So I may have to sweep the hook idea. I do appreciate it and like it though.

I hope you are doing well and had a good week. Best wishes and hopefully you will have an even better weekend. God bless!

Wes

P.S. I did do another rewrite, changed the first line and tried to add a little edge to it per your suggestion. I don't know if it helped it any. Thanks again though!
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Carl B
#9
Hey, Wes!

I think you're probably right, especially if your goal is to have a recording with a commercial interest in mind. If it's not written or sung with a lady in mind, it more than likely won't fare well. or......(Now here's a long shot) You could turn the perspective around and make the lead character the woman and the guy takes the house, kids and cash. It's not as common but it can and does happen from time to time.  I once knew a guy I worked with who managed to get alimony from his ex wife.
Anyway, what you've got in the way of lyrics is good.  : )    When you finalize things and have music, please share with us.

Carl
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Wes Tibbets
#10
Thanks Carl,

Texas isn't an alimony state but when I won custody of the kids, I was supposed to receive child support 10 years and $15,000 in back owed payments later and the AG still wouldn't make her pay it or punish her like they would men. Divorce is gender biased. I appreciate the input and stuff. I hope you are doing well today. Best wishes!
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Bill Draper
#11
I like it. I don't think the singer is talking to a real person.....I think he's talking to himself. This is the subtle implication of the  bridge?

Bill    
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Wes Tibbets
#12
Hi Bill,

Thanks for the kind words. To most people, this comes across as a ballad but it really isn't intended that way. I added an acapella recording of the way I hear it. Or ballpark considering I can't sing or play. I guess the chorus plays out the way you think it does. I can't really explain that too well. It just came together like it did. The sound I'm looking for is similar to Bart Crow's "Life Comes At You Fast" with the vocal delivery, tempo and energy. Unfortunately, I can't do that with my limited abilities. But that's the idea anyway. I hope you are doing well. Best wishes!
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