REWRITE
VERSE ONE
I think about you every day (Very cliche, but not a problem. Just an observation)
I see your face in every place
I surrendered to you heart and soul ----- Keep it all in the same tense if you can unless the story shifts from past, to present and or to future. Still surrender to your heart & soul
But this routine is growing old
CHORUS
I want to feel more of the guy's headache, pain, frustration, suffering to understand his situation. At present, he's whining, complaining. Turn him into a male Carrie Underwood. Make him conflicted, angrier, darker, while at the same time he's got the gal in his head, which actually contradicts what we're being led to believe are his true feelings. It's like he's in denial. In the verses he says he's thinking about this woman and in the chorus he's questioning why? Not good enough. Back up his questioning with some venom. Come on, it's ok for the gals to do it. Why not the guys? Double standard? Here's what I mean below.
What are ya' doin' in my head
A part of me wishes you were dead
You took the kids, house and cash
Then you were gone, like a lightning flash
What are you doing in my head
When you're no longer lying in my bed
Don't you have somewhere to be instead
What are you doing in my head
What are you doing in my head
VERSE TWO
I've been waiting patiently The lyric character is being too nice. This guy in the lyric needs to grow a pair and show us what he'd like to do if she doesn't get out of his head. Perhaps then once he either has a healthy outlet or release and or has a feeling of vindication, he can then let go and won't have her in his head anymore. Show us, don't tell us. You could do this in a bridge and or start fresh with your verses. Just some thoughts to think about.
Hoping that you would let me be
But memories of you keep hangin' round
Standin' here watchin' as I drown
Wes,
Keep or sweep all my thoughts & suggestions. Only trying to help!
Carl
VERSE ONE
I think about you every day (Very cliche, but not a problem. Just an observation)
I see your face in every place
I surrendered to you heart and soul ----- Keep it all in the same tense if you can unless the story shifts from past, to present and or to future. Still surrender to your heart & soul
But this routine is growing old
CHORUS
I want to feel more of the guy's headache, pain, frustration, suffering to understand his situation. At present, he's whining, complaining. Turn him into a male Carrie Underwood. Make him conflicted, angrier, darker, while at the same time he's got the gal in his head, which actually contradicts what we're being led to believe are his true feelings. It's like he's in denial. In the verses he says he's thinking about this woman and in the chorus he's questioning why? Not good enough. Back up his questioning with some venom. Come on, it's ok for the gals to do it. Why not the guys? Double standard? Here's what I mean below.
What are ya' doin' in my head
A part of me wishes you were dead
You took the kids, house and cash
Then you were gone, like a lightning flash
What are you doing in my head
When you're no longer lying in my bed
Don't you have somewhere to be instead
What are you doing in my head
What are you doing in my head
VERSE TWO
I've been waiting patiently The lyric character is being too nice. This guy in the lyric needs to grow a pair and show us what he'd like to do if she doesn't get out of his head. Perhaps then once he either has a healthy outlet or release and or has a feeling of vindication, he can then let go and won't have her in his head anymore. Show us, don't tell us. You could do this in a bridge and or start fresh with your verses. Just some thoughts to think about.
Hoping that you would let me be
But memories of you keep hangin' round
Standin' here watchin' as I drown
Wes,
Keep or sweep all my thoughts & suggestions. Only trying to help!
Carl
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