Hi, Jackie!
Welcome to the writer's room.
I think you're off to a good start. How about another verse or two. Maybe a bridge? I think the subject of finding someone that loves you and stays with you through the good & bad is something people can relate to, as well as someone who is in a sense saved or transformed by someone else. Tell us more. Expand this (if you like of course) into a story with some detail and images. If you're comfortable with the idea you could use yourself and your wife and or create a fictitious character with a similar story.
And...
I might consider shortening the lines a bit and or formatting this as such below with a few adjustments at the end of the verse.
You stood by as I tried to fly,
Dreams like balloons flew out of sight
You would say, don’t give up the fight
Someday you’ll get it right
Years go by like a fast train,
Yet nothing ever seemed to change
Made some friends along the way (Why interject about friends easing the pain when you've got one person. Focus on the one.
And I made some friends to ease my pain
I'll stop because I'm not sure what you're looking to do with this but add to it and tell us about the main character's pain and how the love interest helped him or her through a tough time.
Keep or sweep my thoughts
Carl
Welcome to the writer's room.
I think you're off to a good start. How about another verse or two. Maybe a bridge? I think the subject of finding someone that loves you and stays with you through the good & bad is something people can relate to, as well as someone who is in a sense saved or transformed by someone else. Tell us more. Expand this (if you like of course) into a story with some detail and images. If you're comfortable with the idea you could use yourself and your wife and or create a fictitious character with a similar story.
And...
I might consider shortening the lines a bit and or formatting this as such below with a few adjustments at the end of the verse.
You stood by as I tried to fly,
Dreams like balloons flew out of sight
You would say, don’t give up the fight
Someday you’ll get it right
Years go by like a fast train,
Yet nothing ever seemed to change
Made some friends along the way (Why interject about friends easing the pain when you've got one person. Focus on the one.
And I made some friends to ease my pain
I'll stop because I'm not sure what you're looking to do with this but add to it and tell us about the main character's pain and how the love interest helped him or her through a tough time.
Keep or sweep my thoughts
Carl
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