Grasping Straws

I been working on this one for awhile. it's about a dying person from their point of view.
The song title is not in the lyrics on this 1. I also did a take a sip and let it rip cut no meter just bangin it out on the box.
 I appreciate everyone's input. Thanks.

Here's the link.    https://app.box.com/s/byxcan9d9vcfbm52t9l2d09shp2g8d4d


Intro

Somedays are good
Somedays are bad
Somedays Im just sad

Shine on me light show me whats right
In my search for a cure
I don't wanna fuss but I got to fight
I want to make it thru.

And the man on the tube sais I got it right here
I'm reachin for my wallet we prayin Im healed

We all pray as its going down the drain
Ain't no place to be between the prayers and the pain
It's heaven and hell right here on earth
Love,hate and tears and back to the dirt
We all pray as its going down the drain
Ain't no place to be between the prayers and the pain

Instrumental break

The Insurance won't pay n I can't stay
They'll be sending me home
I know it's clicque and I cant help but think
I'll probably die alone

And the man on the tube sais I got it right here
I'm reachin for my wallet we prayin Im healed

We all pray as its going down the drain
Ain't no place to be between the prayers and the pain
It's heaven and hell right here on earth
Love,hate and tears and back to the dirt

Short Instr fill

It's heaven and hell right here on earth
Love,hate and tears mommas givin birth

Dan, some great sentimental writing here, capturing the angst etc.

Down here in Australia we have a healthcare system that works somewhat, no one is turned away becuase they dont have insurance etc. but we have heard and seen the US system, a few extra % of tax would save such things in my opinion.

This is one really dependant on how you see it being performed, the link didnt work for me, reading it it comes across as a piano like song, maybe a singer songwriter solo.

I think you adherence to perfect rhyme and even line structures also dilutes the impact somewhat.

Might i suggest, you try writing this again without rhyme at all, speaking the lines out then writing what you have spoken and comparing it back to this write, for mine it is probably whey you have such trouble to get it finished.


Arty

Sorry, the train got into my station, re talking out the lines was something shown by Pat Pattison back when and was helpful when I started writing to Nashville and the requirement of conversational lyrics, wrote a lot of prose which read nice didnt speak so well!

Re rhyme, Pain for instance has many rhymes I can think of without being a perfect rhyme,  which could be used whether from 'P' or the 'ain'
Pay
Pience
nought
nineteen
stop
step
pittance



Arty

Link work for me Dan.Enjoyed Da Listen.Works for me man.

Hello Dan,

Thanks guys for the input. I plan on setting this one to a click and doing a production sometime in the future.

Bill, thanks for your analysis, i had planned to embellish this scratch track with some harmonica and had the mix off center for that reason. I appreciate everyones input and hope to finish this one out soon. Sometimes its best to lay it down and come back at a later time and do a better job.