Dan, some great sentimental writing here, capturing the angst etc.
Down here in Australia we have a healthcare system that works somewhat, no one is turned away becuase they dont have insurance etc. but we have heard and seen the US system, a few extra % of tax would save such things in my opinion.
This is one really dependant on how you see it being performed, the link didnt work for me, reading it it comes across as a piano like song, maybe a singer songwriter solo.
I think you adherence to perfect rhyme and even line structures also dilutes the impact somewhat.
Might i suggest, you try writing this again without rhyme at all, speaking the lines out then writing what you have spoken and comparing it back to this write, for mine it is probably whey you have such trouble to get it finished.
Arty
Down here in Australia we have a healthcare system that works somewhat, no one is turned away becuase they dont have insurance etc. but we have heard and seen the US system, a few extra % of tax would save such things in my opinion.
This is one really dependant on how you see it being performed, the link didnt work for me, reading it it comes across as a piano like song, maybe a singer songwriter solo.
I think you adherence to perfect rhyme and even line structures also dilutes the impact somewhat.
Might i suggest, you try writing this again without rhyme at all, speaking the lines out then writing what you have spoken and comparing it back to this write, for mine it is probably whey you have such trouble to get it finished.
Arty
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