"Rain" is the key word in your rhyme scheme, so it needs to be there.
I like the stream of lyric....creative!
but....
the original "crying in the rain" (written by Don Wiiliams, sung by the Everly brothers).....the song was about HIDING the tears....which doesn't come out so much in your use of the term....so I tend to think ....don't use it.
so...come up with a different hook ending in rain more consistent with the other words.
Bill
Like