Dennis
Best thing I get what you are trying to say! first rule of songwriting before anything else, make sure they understand! The language is good and simple to understand as well.
But lets look at both sturcture and story development
Stucture
VCVCVCBC
This is very long and you have to have a ripsnorter develivery and killer melody to get this over on an audience where they have an attention span of around 3 mintues - this will be going at least 4-5 minutes.
The beauty of shorter songs is you dont have to write as much! repeats of choruses or do do do's can pad it out and give it interest above the story line as well.
Rhyme patterns
we have repeated a YOU - YOU rhyme pattern in each of the three verses but in the first two it the first lines and V3 it is the last lines
Personal pronouns overuse is a common problem in songwriting as a case in point lets look at the first two lineswhich in themselves have six of them.
Every time you needed me I was there for you
I forgoed the things I needed to help you
You will not remove them all, but once you have established the protaginist perspective writing your way around them for instance - this is just going to be a quick rewrite only
I was there for you when times were tough
giving up things even back when it go rough (didnt promise it would be great lol)
Story Development
A simple idea of song writing is to make each verse or set of vereses different from each other that is if it is a VVCVC or VCVC song the first / two verese can discuss the same sort of theme then the chorus gives us the clarity of the song and the verse after the chorus takes us further on the journey and hits the chorus differently making the chorus fresh and new against this idea and hopefully even greater clariity.
As we have it here the storyboard of the song is
Best thing I get what you are trying to say! first rule of songwriting before anything else, make sure they understand! The language is good and simple to understand as well.
But lets look at both sturcture and story development
Stucture
VCVCVCBC
This is very long and you have to have a ripsnorter develivery and killer melody to get this over on an audience where they have an attention span of around 3 mintues - this will be going at least 4-5 minutes.
The beauty of shorter songs is you dont have to write as much! repeats of choruses or do do do's can pad it out and give it interest above the story line as well.
Rhyme patterns
we have repeated a YOU - YOU rhyme pattern in each of the three verses but in the first two it the first lines and V3 it is the last lines
Personal pronouns overuse is a common problem in songwriting as a case in point lets look at the first two lineswhich in themselves have six of them.
Every time you needed me I was there for you
I forgoed the things I needed to help you
You will not remove them all, but once you have established the protaginist perspective writing your way around them for instance - this is just going to be a quick rewrite only
I was there for you when times were tough
giving up things even back when it go rough (didnt promise it would be great lol)
Story Development
A simple idea of song writing is to make each verse or set of vereses different from each other that is if it is a VVCVC or VCVC song the first / two verese can discuss the same sort of theme then the chorus gives us the clarity of the song and the verse after the chorus takes us further on the journey and hits the chorus differently making the chorus fresh and new against this idea and hopefully even greater clariity.
As we have it here the storyboard of the song is
- You turned you back on me
- you burnt the bridge (essentially turned you back on me in cliche)
- I was here for you
- you burnt the bridge (essentially turned you back on me in cliche)
- you have turned your back on me
- you burnt the bridge (essentially turned you back on me in cliche)
- dont ask me to do anything now for you
- you burnt the bridge (essentially turned you back on me in cliche)
Now lets say we changed it around ever so slightly with a delightful twist at the end into a VCVCBC song
- I was here for you
- YOU torched the swingbridge (same thing said differently)
- You turned you back on me
- YOU torched the swingbridge (same thing said differently)
- Just won the lottery
- YOU torched the swingbridge (same thing said differently)
Which is the other aspect the first written verse is not necessarily V1 of the song, happens a lot to me, find the verses actually work better reveresed in order and funnily sometimes I will swap the lines of each verse as well
Hope this helps
Arty
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