Revised Face Without A Name

I have reworked some of the verses and would like to know if it's better or worse then what I had before. I am still tryong to figure out how to improve the chorus.........

 

                                                                       Face Without A Name

 

V1

A leather photo album

On the table in the den

With Memories we've made over the years

Some with family and friends

Before the disease progressed

Now there people that she doesn't know

 

CH1

Pictures of familiar face

Spanning several generations

To her they're all the same

They're faces without a name

 

V2

Some of them show perfectly

How full of life she used to be

A pebble skipping on the pond of life

The more advance she gets

The faster it will progress

A thief taking her memories as it's price

 

CH2

Pictures of familiar faces

Spanning several generations

To her they're all the same

They're faces without a name

 

BR

If the past became today

I'd lover her just the same

And proudly wear the title

A face Without A Name

 

CH3

Pictures of familiar faces

Spanning several generations

To here we're all the same

We're faces without a name

 

 

                                                          Written By

                                                     Robert A Geyer

 

Robert

think this is better but it reads to ( the only way i can describe it ) clinical . there is no emotion it is as if you are just stating a fact ,

this is only how i see it others will have there own view , probably easyier to write as an outsider

 

a photo album on the table down in the den

full of happy memories from before when

now they are reminders of what had been

before this nightmare shattered our dream

 

                                                                        think if you could get this sort of mood it will work a whole lot better - the chorus is ok i think

john

what would happen if you took out several and just said spanning generations? might flow better

I agree with John, to make it a little more personal would allow more connection. Also work on the rhyming and the meter in the verse lines.

The chorus needs to say more, be bigger. What you have is good, just add more to it more about how it makes you feel that she doesn't remember  you.

Thank you Peggy, I just saw my mess up in verse 1, and I didnt like Title in the bridge so changed that also..........I hate when I miss the simple stuff.

John thank you for the feed back, I dont know if it was done tentionally or not but I dont see what dream rhymes with.....maybe you were just trying to kick start Ideas in me head:)

Suzanne, The flow was fine for the musical picture in my head, or what I was humming, but most times when I send in for music it comes back nothing like I pictured............That is a thought, for now I just put it at spanning over generations. thank you for the great feedback also........

Robert 

yes was just trying to get what i think it needs across . and hoped been and dream were a close enough rhyme .

john

Enjoyed Da Read I can relate a lot to this.Reminds me of my Grandma. LOVE IT ROBERTAll Da Best with it.

Thank you Larry, I just posted the final version of Faces Without Names.........it was writen as a dedication to my wifes struggles and to bring awareness to Alzheimer's, Sadly she lost her battle on Novemeber 10th of 2015............but I hope everyone enjoys the final version, accept we found the mistake in the bridge and have since changed it to I will cherish her for the time God will allow, :)