Carl B said...
Hi, Les!
Basic instinct? Lol Kind of funny but it works.
She crossed her legs as she crossed my mind How bout? ........... "As she crossed her legs she blew my mind"
Girl already crossed his mind by the time she crossed her legs. Lol He had his eye on her before hand and that's how I came to the above suggestion. Besides an alternative to using 'crossed' twice sounds better. IMO
Only thing I might consider changing is the bridge with the 2nd line in particular but that really depends on the audience you're trying to reach. I'm sure a lot of teenage boys would dig the bridge and the 2nd line there but I actually think the bridge could be better. All it tells the audience is what we already can guess is going to happen. Perhaps putting a different angle on it and blending it in to the theme could then really heat things up.
Hi Carl
Thanks for the read and comments, I sort of like that line but see your point! You got me thinking and was toying with
She crossed her legs and (she) froze my mind! As in he was frozen in the stare???
LOL! Teenage boys digging it! i think you could be right? Heat it up a bit would work for me!
She was an animal, the kind I like
She rode me as if I was her bike
Oohhhhh! I love women like that
Lol!
You got me thinking bro thanks for that.
Cheers
Les
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