Angelo
welcome to the ramp, I hope you have a great learning experience here.
Really liking some of your lines such as the circles in ming and stumbling on alibi's'. For mine and this is only one mans opinion, the story is not developing, it all sounds like a single controlled argument without building to anything greater - look at how movies and TV show arguments, they build and build until, the fight or someone running away or breaking down and reconciling. The lyric must do the same.
So yes I can sort of see it is about cheating YOU are telilng ME (the listenerer and hence cheater), check out Lyin Eyes by the Eagles and see the differnece perspective makes when writing such a tale.
One thing you will definetely learn is the problems with cliche, espeacially as the hook. The biggest problem with cliches is they have been heard before a thousand million times so the skill of a songwriter has to be to rewrite these into a fresh set of words which while still meaining the same pick the interest of the listener.
one little suggestion
you thought you had him to - you thought you'd kept it to yourself
Just experiment and keep an eye on the development of the story and this has some great lines to capture a listnener
Arty
welcome to the ramp, I hope you have a great learning experience here.
Really liking some of your lines such as the circles in ming and stumbling on alibi's'. For mine and this is only one mans opinion, the story is not developing, it all sounds like a single controlled argument without building to anything greater - look at how movies and TV show arguments, they build and build until, the fight or someone running away or breaking down and reconciling. The lyric must do the same.
So yes I can sort of see it is about cheating YOU are telilng ME (the listenerer and hence cheater), check out Lyin Eyes by the Eagles and see the differnece perspective makes when writing such a tale.
One thing you will definetely learn is the problems with cliche, espeacially as the hook. The biggest problem with cliches is they have been heard before a thousand million times so the skill of a songwriter has to be to rewrite these into a fresh set of words which while still meaining the same pick the interest of the listener.
one little suggestion
you thought you had him to - you thought you'd kept it to yourself
Just experiment and keep an eye on the development of the story and this has some great lines to capture a listnener
Arty
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