Angelo, you have some nice turns of phrase here, and a solid idea that would benefit from being revisited in terms of a storyline, more concrete details, and the structure.
My first impressions: The verses are wordy, with a lot of repetition in the lines. Determine exactly what you want to say, then write it down in as few words as possible, but making every word count.
It's not clear what the singer wants to hear from the singee's lips.
It's also not clear what the story is about. Is the 'secret' another man? When the singer says 'had him to yourself', it sounds as though he is saying the singee was sharing the man with someone else. This might be a language issue, but it causes confusion.
Rather than describing a scenario in general terms, I'd like to see you provide specific, concrete details. What were the lies? The alibis? What stories?
The verses basically say the same thing. To keep the reader's/listener/s interest, there should be some progression in the story from the first verse to the second.
The way you've written out the chorus makes the first half of line 1 sound like yoda-speak (e.g. 'Caution to the wind, you threw'). Better might be something like:
Caution to the wind
You threw caution to the wind
It's true, I know where you've been
Throwing caution to the wind
The imagery you want to evoke in the bridge is good, but it's convoluted & awkwardly worded. If we wouldn't speak something a certain way, we shouldn't sing it that way.
And a $100 word like 'stave' sounds out of place. :)
I was eventually able to understand the sense of the bridge, but it might be difficult for someone to 'get it' during the first listen.
Below is simply a rough example of an alternative & simpler way to express the idea.
The glimmer of treasure can be hard to resist
The simmer of pleasure can come to the boil
But in your eyes it's the 'sorry' I miss
It hurts to know our love has been spoiled
I hope some of the above might be useful. They're simply the thoughts of one person, though, so keep or sweep. :)
Donna
UPDATE: I've just seen your most recent post. Given that you're thinking 'country', the lyric would need to be anchored in concrete details, 'visual furniture'. I'd suggest you check out a few good current country songs, and see how these have been presented.
I'd also recommend you get hold of one or two good books on lyric writing. Anything by Pat Pattison or Sheila Davis would be useful starters. Pattison also has a good website (http://www.patpattison.com) with extremely useful videos.
I might mention as well that his (free) 6-week songwriting course is beginning on April 20 on http://www.coursera.org. It's excellent. I did it myself two years ago.
My first impressions: The verses are wordy, with a lot of repetition in the lines. Determine exactly what you want to say, then write it down in as few words as possible, but making every word count.
It's not clear what the singer wants to hear from the singee's lips.
It's also not clear what the story is about. Is the 'secret' another man? When the singer says 'had him to yourself', it sounds as though he is saying the singee was sharing the man with someone else. This might be a language issue, but it causes confusion.
Rather than describing a scenario in general terms, I'd like to see you provide specific, concrete details. What were the lies? The alibis? What stories?
The verses basically say the same thing. To keep the reader's/listener/s interest, there should be some progression in the story from the first verse to the second.
The way you've written out the chorus makes the first half of line 1 sound like yoda-speak (e.g. 'Caution to the wind, you threw'). Better might be something like:
Caution to the wind
You threw caution to the wind
It's true, I know where you've been
Throwing caution to the wind
The imagery you want to evoke in the bridge is good, but it's convoluted & awkwardly worded. If we wouldn't speak something a certain way, we shouldn't sing it that way.
And a $100 word like 'stave' sounds out of place. :)
I was eventually able to understand the sense of the bridge, but it might be difficult for someone to 'get it' during the first listen.
Below is simply a rough example of an alternative & simpler way to express the idea.
The glimmer of treasure can be hard to resist
The simmer of pleasure can come to the boil
But in your eyes it's the 'sorry' I miss
It hurts to know our love has been spoiled
I hope some of the above might be useful. They're simply the thoughts of one person, though, so keep or sweep. :)
Donna
UPDATE: I've just seen your most recent post. Given that you're thinking 'country', the lyric would need to be anchored in concrete details, 'visual furniture'. I'd suggest you check out a few good current country songs, and see how these have been presented.
I'd also recommend you get hold of one or two good books on lyric writing. Anything by Pat Pattison or Sheila Davis would be useful starters. Pattison also has a good website (http://www.patpattison.com) with extremely useful videos.
I might mention as well that his (free) 6-week songwriting course is beginning on April 20 on http://www.coursera.org. It's excellent. I did it myself two years ago.
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