Angelo, good job providing specific details. This makes the story far more interesting, especially in V1.
I think you need to focus now on the structure and on fine-tuning the bridge. It's not usual to have another verse after a bridge. The function of a bridge is to give the song a fresh impetus, lyrically and/or musically, something new to pull the story forward before swinging back into the final resounding chorus. The bridge is as important as the chorus in terms of being 'hooky'. Sometimes it's even more important.
I'd suggest you stick with V/Ch/V/Ch/Br/Ch. I suggest dropping V3, as it's basically repeating what's already in V1 & 2 (and repeats line 1 in V1). It also seems to contradict what the singer is asking for in V1&2 (i.e. her reasons, apology, etc.).
Losing a verse will keep the lyric from being overly wordy, and more likely to hold the listener's attention. A bridge needs to be succinct and hard-hitting. Above all, it needs to be clear. Lines 1 & 2 are still convoluted. In real life, we wouldn't say 'pleasure's simmer' or 'an ember's flicker'. We'd say 'simmer of pleasure' and 'flicker of an ember'. The bridge as it stands is a philosophical metaphor, and doesn't tell us anything specific about the singer. Something strong and concrete would work better.
I'd suggest dropping the current bridge altogether, and creating a short, pithy statement. Importantly, especially in a country song the singer/the character in the story needs to be someone the audience would care about, or sympathise with. Up until now, the singer has been complaining about the situation. We need to know he has a backbone, and has finally reached the point of taking a stand. He could do this in a short, to-the-point bridge (e.g. not more than 2-3 lines).
I'd also suggest making his approach in the verses stronger. Why is he apologising in V1 for tripping her up with his questions? The use of questions makes him seem weak and lacking in confidence. By making statements, he's putting himself in control of the situation, but we still see that he's vulnerable and hurting. This combination of inner strength but human vulnerability would make him more endearing to the listener.
Below is simply a rough example of dropping the questions.
I wanna hear from your lips
That you've got another guy
I know my questions trip you up
You stumble on your alibis
That girls' weekend out to Vegas
They all said you had to take
I asked one of them about it
She said Florida was great
All your badly crafted stories
Lies you tried to spin so well
Helped lead me to the truth
Your lips refuse to tell
Now it's time to answer questions
I know something's going on
There's someone else you care for
He's been but he's not gone
I suggested a change in lines 1-3 in V2, as that better supports lines 2 & 3 in V1 where she's stumbling on her alibis.
I hope some of the above is useful. Keep or sweep, of course. :)
Donna
I think you need to focus now on the structure and on fine-tuning the bridge. It's not usual to have another verse after a bridge. The function of a bridge is to give the song a fresh impetus, lyrically and/or musically, something new to pull the story forward before swinging back into the final resounding chorus. The bridge is as important as the chorus in terms of being 'hooky'. Sometimes it's even more important.
I'd suggest you stick with V/Ch/V/Ch/Br/Ch. I suggest dropping V3, as it's basically repeating what's already in V1 & 2 (and repeats line 1 in V1). It also seems to contradict what the singer is asking for in V1&2 (i.e. her reasons, apology, etc.).
Losing a verse will keep the lyric from being overly wordy, and more likely to hold the listener's attention. A bridge needs to be succinct and hard-hitting. Above all, it needs to be clear. Lines 1 & 2 are still convoluted. In real life, we wouldn't say 'pleasure's simmer' or 'an ember's flicker'. We'd say 'simmer of pleasure' and 'flicker of an ember'. The bridge as it stands is a philosophical metaphor, and doesn't tell us anything specific about the singer. Something strong and concrete would work better.
I'd suggest dropping the current bridge altogether, and creating a short, pithy statement. Importantly, especially in a country song the singer/the character in the story needs to be someone the audience would care about, or sympathise with. Up until now, the singer has been complaining about the situation. We need to know he has a backbone, and has finally reached the point of taking a stand. He could do this in a short, to-the-point bridge (e.g. not more than 2-3 lines).
I'd also suggest making his approach in the verses stronger. Why is he apologising in V1 for tripping her up with his questions? The use of questions makes him seem weak and lacking in confidence. By making statements, he's putting himself in control of the situation, but we still see that he's vulnerable and hurting. This combination of inner strength but human vulnerability would make him more endearing to the listener.
Below is simply a rough example of dropping the questions.
I wanna hear from your lips
That you've got another guy
I know my questions trip you up
You stumble on your alibis
That girls' weekend out to Vegas
They all said you had to take
I asked one of them about it
She said Florida was great
All your badly crafted stories
Lies you tried to spin so well
Helped lead me to the truth
Your lips refuse to tell
Now it's time to answer questions
I know something's going on
There's someone else you care for
He's been but he's not gone
I suggested a change in lines 1-3 in V2, as that better supports lines 2 & 3 in V1 where she's stumbling on her alibis.
I hope some of the above is useful. Keep or sweep, of course. :)
Donna
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