Angelo
can see the development of the rewrite and the verses are certainly getting stronger and more cohesive.
I will point you back to what Donna said re
Losing a verse will keep the lyric from being overly wordy...
The less is more principal, it is what you leave which is more imporantant than what you put in. if the verse just retells as V4 does, leave it out or combine the best lines and rewrite it back to one verse.
I would have a crack at writing this just as VCVC or maybe VVCVC - your good lines will stand out more and crack into the chorus
Good Luck
Arty
can see the development of the rewrite and the verses are certainly getting stronger and more cohesive.
I will point you back to what Donna said re
Losing a verse will keep the lyric from being overly wordy...
The less is more principal, it is what you leave which is more imporantant than what you put in. if the verse just retells as V4 does, leave it out or combine the best lines and rewrite it back to one verse.
I would have a crack at writing this just as VCVC or maybe VVCVC - your good lines will stand out more and crack into the chorus
Good Luck
Arty
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