Wes
nice sentimental piece and some good lines, I like the weeds motif espeacially as it show decay.
I have done a little rewrite as an excercise for you to see how someone else may have constructed this, whislt keeping as much as poosible.
Firstly, the hardest part of writing (at least one of them lol) is knowing what to leave out. Hence we have 10 section in the song - believe them when they tell you the audience has a short attention span, radio has known it for years and it takes an exceptional song i.e. Bohemian Rhapsody or Sultans of Swing
With this, it is also allowing the listener to paint the picture, your town is not THEIR TOWN, therefore giving snapshots / generalities which allows the listener to place their town in your lyric and connect to the song.
Rhyme is fine if we dont bend the language to manage it, Simplest test is to say each line out threee times and does it feel natural.
How some one else may look at it
V1
I Remember Friday nights meeting friends
Going out to where the dirt began
And watching smoky fires burning low
with Us all badly singing our favourite songs
nice sentimental piece and some good lines, I like the weeds motif espeacially as it show decay.
I have done a little rewrite as an excercise for you to see how someone else may have constructed this, whislt keeping as much as poosible.
Firstly, the hardest part of writing (at least one of them lol) is knowing what to leave out. Hence we have 10 section in the song - believe them when they tell you the audience has a short attention span, radio has known it for years and it takes an exceptional song i.e. Bohemian Rhapsody or Sultans of Swing
With this, it is also allowing the listener to paint the picture, your town is not THEIR TOWN, therefore giving snapshots / generalities which allows the listener to place their town in your lyric and connect to the song.
Rhyme is fine if we dont bend the language to manage it, Simplest test is to say each line out threee times and does it feel natural.
How some one else may look at it
V1
I Remember Friday nights meeting friends
Going out to where the dirt began
And watching smoky fires burning low
with Us all badly singing our favourite songs
V2
Long summer evenings cruisin' around
Dreaming out loud about leaving town
Each tomorrow turned into months
Till I Gave myself parole from this sentence
Ch
Weeds now cover my memories
I’m sure you know the way it feels
How our past still seems so real
From way back when…where our lives began
Trapped livin’ in Smallville
V3
cant believe it was so many years ago
Drove out with the town in the rear view mirror
While we may have thought we were so tres cool
Truth is when we were young we were such fools
Ch
Weeds now cover my memories
I’m sure you know the way it feels
How our past still seems so real
From way back when…where our lives began
Trapped livin’ in Smallville
Arty
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Wes Tibbets likes this.