57 chevorlet

J Morrison - (c)  april 2015 -   first time i used a story board to try and write . first draft   cut a verse

my dad had a 57 Chevrolet
a gift  for his 16th birthday
40 years have past
but that car was built to last
he would use it every day
that good old 57 Chevrolet

dad taught me how to change the oil
check the plugs  clean the coil
sit me on his lap let me hold wheel
tap  the gas show me how to steer
he let me have the key for my first date
then said" take care in that  Chevrolet

it was in that cars big back seat
that I  learned about anatomy
an older girl named Mary lou
she showed me a thing or two
no way I'll forget that day
we spent in the 57 Chevrolet

the coolest dad a boy could have
my friends wished he was their dad
but he got sick and then he died
mum held me close as we cried
before he passed he called me to say
look after  mum and my old Chevrolet

 weekends i spend with my own boy
a bad weeks turned to a day of joy
as we tinker underneath the hood
i try to teach every thing i could
my dads  with me every  single day
as i drive  his 57 Chevrolet

I'm driving my dads 57 chevorlet

 

Good stuff you have going on here. I like it. My only nit to the whole thing was this line......

"taught me some gymnastics too"

Gymnastics in the backseat of a 57 Chevy is a little over the top imho. How about something like this instead...KOS....

"taught me a thing or two"

Just a thought. Otherwise, it flowed well and I found a melody in it which is a good attribute for a lyric to have. Good luck with it!

I like the lyric and am interested in hearing a melody for it.  It looks like 6 verses at this point; no obvious chorus or bridge.  That's okay with a 'story' song (think Johnny Cash).  Do you have ideas for chords and melody?

Wes . thanks was thinking about this don't know if arobics works but iuf not thing or two goes well, from UK no idea what a 57 cheverlot is the name just fits with the words         - changed some lines on that verse

Tim thanks . i only do words , have no musical ability ,  apart from what i hear as i write but everyone will hear there own thing PO

john

nice write John, I think you could shorten it a bit and concentrate your ideas and use some of your best lines to come up with the same but shorter version. I like the song idea I was born in 1957 and my uncle has 2 57 chevys lol

Thanks for read Larry .
think it would  take something away if i shortened it  . maybe not   PO
john

Hi John,

There’s a lot of personality regarding a person’s car, so focusing a story around his dad's provides a nice emotional story here.

You may want to go thru it and look at verb tenses. The dad dying surprised me and I think it’s because of the first line: “My dad drives a 57 Chevrolet”...if I'm reading it correctly, technically, it would be “drove” if he’s telling the story in the present day.

Verse 3 is pretty concise, but maybe v2 could flow a little better by trimming a couple of those little words (“he” and “then” for example) in the beginning lines there to keep it flowing and focused on the neat details you provide and not lose any meaning. Just a thought.

The part where he’s with his boy and the car now is touching...especially, “we tinker under the hood”. I can really see that!

Kristi

Thanks Kirsti
the reason i put drives in the 1st verse is because i wanted the impact of  the dad dying later in the story . if i said drove the cat was out of the bag .   PO 
john

Great work John. It flows great and I love the sentimentality and wording. Since the tense in the first verse is different from the tense in the end, it will throw the lyric off (I didn't see that before) so maybe you can cure that by using  "My dad got a 57 Chevrolet" ..If you say drives at the beginning, but later we find out he has passed away, then the listener will wonder how he drives when he's not alive. This change (or one like that) can remedy that. Just my two cents my friend. I've looked it over 3 times now and that's the only snag I see. It's a well done lyric.

thanks James
never thought of that have changed it and it feels better already

john

John
much better!!! LOL

It is the emotion which you are writing from, doubt whether in the states dads 64 lotus cortina will mean much so the choice of the 57 was a good one, the emotional view point stands!


You got some pretty constructive feedback, so would possibly suggest the story board works and will work better each and every time you use it!

Larry commented re length and you replied as to losing detail - Fine detail is totally overated, give them the broad brushstrokes and they will colour and fill the detail in of THEIR LIVES - show dont tell, there are aspects of this which is good as Kristi picked up on, but now I would concentrate on tightening it up even further

Arty

Enjoyed Da Read LOVE IT