As You Can Imagine

I participated in FAWM in February and one of the song skirmishes was to write to the hook: As You Can Imagine. I don't usually do those, but somehow this lyric came out of that hook. :)  It's obviously a male vocal (I don't question them, just try to process...! lol). Anyway, I'd like to know how it sounds? And I have two title ideas. There's an alternate chorus (with lift) at the end that would go with title #2 (Look At Me I'm Old). My intention is for a light-hearted, but heartfelt story.
I appreciate any input!

As You Can Imagine OR Look At Me I'm Old

I hear “Daddy can you teach me now
I wanna learn to drive
I’ve waited sixteen years for this
My time has now arrived”

I hear “Daddy can you spare some dollars
So I can buy some gas
I’ve gotta shop for brand new boots
And I’m outta cash”

[ch]
As you can imagine
I should be laughin’
But look at me I’m old
My daughter is my baby
But my baby’s now a lady
And I’m losin’ all control

She says “Daddy, Bobby likes me
Wants to take me to the dance
He’s a real nice guy you know
He listens and understands”

She says “Daddy will you walk me
Down the aisle when I wed
It’s comin' before you know it
We gotta plan ahead”

[ch]
As you can imagine
I should be laughin’
But look at me I’m old
My daughter is my baby
But my baby’s now a lady
And I’m losin’ all control

(br)
Rock-a-bye and hide-and-seek
Happened so long ago
Like toothless grins and pimpled chins
And angels in the snow

[ch]
As you can imagine
I should be laughin’
But look at me I’m old
My daughter is my baby
But my baby’s now a lady
And I’m losin’ all control

Oh, my baby’s now a lady
For someone else to hold

+++

OPTIONAL Chorus w/lift and one added line to chorus:

[lift]
As you can imagine
I should be laughin’

[ch]
But look at me I’m old
My daughter is my baby
But my baby’s now a lady
And I’m losin’ all control
Yeah, look at me I’m old

©2015 Kristi McKeever

I like this Kristi, I had a fairly fast pace melody going for this and I don't think I came across anything that I would change.

nice write sorry nothing to much else to add as a crit but I don't see anything that jumps out That needs work!

good luck

Les

Kirsti
agree with les fast pace and good lines .  had a melody from the first line

john

Hi, Kristi

Very nice lyric that has a lot of emotional appeal.

My vote for the title goes to................  "As You Can Imagine".

The only thing I might consider changing is the 3rd line of your chorus, where the line reads : "But look at me I’m old".
The point of view is a man who has a daughter. His story is in the present tense. His daughter is 16.  I can't imagine him being in his 70's or older but he could possibly be in his early sixties. My point is............   He FEELS old and the bridge cements this as he reflects back to when she (his daughter) was an infant (rock a bye) & then hide and seek (small child). He feels old. But is he?  Unless this were written up in the past tense, I couldn't defintively  come to that conclusion.  He could be reflecting to the past in the present tense but I still think it sounds better with 'feeling old' rather than being old in my suggestion below.

How about for that 3rd line, something like;  "But look at me I feel old  or   But look at me I'm feeling old

Hope I am not nitpicking.
You have a terrific lyric that is both light & sentimental.

Keep or sweep my suggestions & comments.

Carl

PS Forget about the optional chorus with the lift

Hi Les & John,

Hey, thanks for your comments and feedback. I appreciate you taking a moment to read thru it and letting me know how it comes across! So glad you guys think it flows well!

Kristi

Hi Carl,

You're not nitpicking. I like feedback like that. Very helpful.

I agree with you about his age. And that is the purpose of the line...he's likely not all that old but *feels* old, yep. I like your suggestion. But it's funny how one syllable changes the pace a bit, though there's no melody in my head, but maybe...

"But look at me feelin' old" or "But look at me gettin' old"

I'm playing around with it....thanks for drawing attention to that! :)  It's also very helpful to know what doesn't work...lol...so I'm glad to know your thoughts on that optional chorus. Objective eyes are so helpful! Appreciate your time going thru it!

Kristi

As a father of 4 and a grandfather of 13, I can totally relate to this lyric, as well as remembering being at that age myself. I've read this through twice, and I gotta say, this is a really really good lyric. I'm having trouble finding something to nitpick, so I'm giving up.

My daughter is my baby
But my baby’s now a lady

Killer line, my fav..... But that bridge is very killer. It's worded great and evokes flashbacks to the younger days. The wording is spot on. Top notch lyric Kristi.Kudos

This is an excellent write! I heard a melody in my head as I was reading through it. Your imagery is very good and it flowed seamlessly. I wouldn't change anything. I like it just the way it is. Good luck with it!

I just read this, and "gettin' old" is what I got to as well. I think it works the best. Ott

L. James,

Hey, thanks for your generous comments! I'm happy to hear it connects with you as you (especially) would know if it rings true or not being a father and grandfather! I appreciate you reading it and for taking a moment to respond!

Kristi

Hi Wes,

Nice to meet you. I'm glad to hear you say it flows well and the imagery comes thru. I wrote this during FAWM and one never knows how much work is needed afterward! Thanks for your nice comments and feedback. I really appreciate it!

Kristi

Hi Ott,

Great to have feedback on that line. It actually popped into my mind as I was responding to Carl B. the other day. The muse is always at work I guess! Thanks for taking the time to read my lyric and respond!

Kristi

Kristi
Good write and like the idea behind it - to make his first person and change it to I said Daddy - now there is a more powerful and poignant write.

So I would concentrate on this part

She says “Daddy will you walk me
Down the aisle when I wed
It’s comin' before you know it
We gotta plan ahead”

[ch]
As you can imagine
I should be laughin’
But look at me I’m old
My daughter is my baby
But my baby’s now a lady
And I’m losin’ all control

(br)
Rock-a-bye and hide-and-seek
Happened so long ago
Like toothless grins and pimpled chins
And angels in the snow


The structure of VVCVVCBC is long, very long, the bridge is very cute but does not add to the story or really have any place or relevance. but V4, now V4 is the $$$$$$$
V4 is the BRIDGE, the culmination of every daddies dream, the day he reaches his fulfillment in his daughters life - he GIVES away his daughter to another man, how noble, how emotional, how fulfilling.... I dont want to write this for you, but I think it should be succinct and finish with the "Daddy..." motif


Arty

PS, the use of Old and lose of control, well I come from a nursing background and even designed and manufactured incontinence products... LOL

Hi Arty,

Thanks for your thoughts and ideas. I understand your points on the bridge, which are quite valid. Maybe it's a gender thing, but the bridge to me is very relevant as it invokes (or was designed to) the emotions that come with realizing things have changed and your child has grown up. And what comes with that is the realization that their life is likely half over. That to me, as a mother, is quite an emotional thing. Now. You are coming at it from the male perspective, which this is written from, and a father giving away his daughter is quite emotional as well. So, it's something to think about.

I kind of like ending on the "losing all control" (oh my, I wonder if that phrase will conjure up that thought you mention being a nurse, with other medical people! lol) in that I was going for a double meaning....losing control of making decisions in her life as she makes her own decisions now and "losing control" as in his emotions as this all sinks in.

You bring up some interesting considerations and I appreciate your time with it. I'll be reviewing it all, as I always do, so thanks again for your perspective!

Kristi

Kristi
I was not saying dont finish with the chorus, I think it is important to finish with the hook and this hook is very emotional and sums up the journey you have lyrically created and more so I could here it sung!

Good luck with the rewrite and make sure you post it up now lol

Arty

Enjoyed Da Read Kristi.Should be easy to find someone to sing this.Seems singable to me but what do I know.All Da Best With It.(;LARRYBOY

Thanks Arty & Larry!

I appreciate the read and thoughts! I'll "sit on it" and see how it goes! :=)
Kristi

Awesome piece, the imagery and flow made it so easy to read. And I'm thinking that It'd sound better -in my opinion- with the lift pre-chorus, that way the chorus would have a grander, more contrasting sound to the verses. 

The only thing that stuck out to me that could be fixed, was in the second stanza, last line: "And I'm outta cash" would maybe fit better as "And I'm all outta cash". 

Hi Josh,

Nice to meet you. Thank you for taking a moment to read my lyric and offer your thoughts. I see what you're saying about the pre-chorus there. I guess that could be worked out musically.

I like your idea of "I'm ALL out of cash"...that might be more conversational too....good stuff to think about!

Thanks again for your ideas!

Kristi

Kristi, this is OD (the Old Dog) speaking to you.  I don't want to throw a monkey wrench into anything; but I just can't help myself. Being a pain is what I'm known for and quite good at (just ask my ex-wives, or Ott).  Ha!!!

Okay Kristy, I can be so slow sometimes.  I just went back and re-read your original post and realized this was not the song for your FAWN challenge; but a song that came out of that challenge.  So your hook can be anything you want.  Sorry about that.

Hi OD,

Very nice to meet you! I just noticed your critique here and wanted to say thank you for going thru the lyric and offering up your thoughts and suggestions. It's always good to hear other people's objective points of view!

I know what you mean about making a familiar phrase just a little bit different to avoid the commonness of it all. I see how you changed up the meaning there for the chorus and that's very clever. I think that's a whole other song since it's about the girl. As I wrote this lyric, it became a story about the father and coming to terms with his aging and life moving on. I like that aspect of it, actually, as I have never written from that point of view before!

Your tips are good (not worthless at all! lol) and I will remember them! I find I write a lot in first person. Not sure why, but that's how it comes out. I totally get it about the singer and all though....good points. I wish I was more of a storyteller in that sense of putting things in 3rd person, but I notice I do gravitate to the other. I should experiment and break out of my comfort zone and try 3rd person more often!

Thanks for taking the time to read this over and give a constructive, honest critique! :)

Kristi