I'm Not Ok

Something I put together a few weeks ago. Thoughts and suggestions are very welcome

I'm Not Ok

(vs)
You blurted it out right out of the blue,
the suddenness caught me off guard.
I'm a little stunned, wouldn't you be too?
That quick, "It's over" is hitting me hard

(ch)
Am I OK?, Am I OK?
Take a good look, do I look that way?
You just told me we're through
and that's all you can say?
No I'm not OK, I'm not OK

(vs)
Why walk away after all these years,
is a shrug all that I get;
a downturned face void of any tears,
that mouths a stupid question yet?

(ch)
Am I OK?, Am I OK?
Take a good look, do I look that way?
You just told me we're through
and that's all you can say?
No I'm not OK, I'm not OK

(Bridge)
Give me a reason, give me closure today
Cause till I get an answer, I will never be OK

(ch)
Am I OK?, Am I OK?
Take a good look, do I look that way?
You just told me we're through
and that's all you can say?
No I'm not OK, I'm not OK

© L. James Tanner

James
the suddenness catching me off guard  PO

a shrug is that the only thing that's left - or theo only thing i get  PO   apart from that all good

john

Hi, James

I like this. It's pretty good and it works. I think people could relate.  Title is also good. 
In the chorus, I understand what the POV (point of view )is saying with "take a good look, do I look that way?, meaning does the  POV look OK?', but initially I asked what way is that?  I think there could be a stronger, clearer connection between OK & way. 
Suggestions below.


(ch)
Am I OK?, Am I OK?
Take a good look, do I look that way?  Take a good look, well what should I say? or what should I say (without "well" before it)
You just told me we're through
and that's all you can say?  And you're not gonna stay     or     And you're leaving today
No I'm not OK, I'm not OK  or     No...No I'm not OK

I'm shrugging at the use of the word  "shrug" in the 2nd line of verse 2.   I'd find a stronger line that fits into the context of what's going on that might express the same sentiment.  The last line of the 2nd verse ends in "yet". Seems like a forced rhyme to me.  Consider working on this verse a bit in relation to those two lines. 

Oh one other comment. I like the 5 line chorus. Gives the not OK feeling more a feeling of instability and being thrown off balance which is what I think you're trying to capture there. Nice  : )

All in all a good lyric.  As always keep or sweep away all of my thoughts & suggestions.

Carl

I like it! Specially the chorus. The sound leapt from the screen as I read it. The imagery and flow were good. Good luck with it. Best wishes!

Hi James,

I think you capture the moment of disbelief in what is happening very well. The chorus has a nice flow to it. I can feel the intenseness of emotion there.

I have one suggestion: in the bridge, "give me closure today" might be too far a leap for this person right now. He wants answers, yes, but being able to verbalize closure comes with a certain acceptance of the situation (perhaps?), so since it's all so fresh and new maybe put another demand or heartbreaking visual there...."give me a reason"...before something something.... to convey the shock he's feeling or a fear he's thinking about. Just a thought!

Oh, and cool title....the opposite of the familar phrase.

Good luck with it!

Kristi

L.James
liked this and the opening was extremely strong.

without nit picking little things which will no doubt will be picked up on the melodising, could I suggest the last line of V1 be changed so you get something like

I'm Not Ok

(vs)
You blurted it out right out of the blue,
the suddenness caught me off guard.
I'm a little stunned, wouldn't you be too?
why, why what the...

(ch)
Am I OK?, Am I OK?
Take a good look, do I look that way?
You just told me we're through
and that's all you can say?
No I'm not OK, I'm not OK

Shortening a line in the prime spot such as the lead into the chorus can have a dramatic effect - is does not necessarliy have to match in the others verses, it shines the spot light as Pat Pattison would say


Arty

Enjoyed Da Read James.Like it a lot.

Well written.