Hi, James
I like this. It's pretty good and it works. I think people could relate. Title is also good.
In the chorus, I understand what the POV (point of view )is saying with "take a good look, do I look that way?, meaning does the POV look OK?', but initially I asked what way is that? I think there could be a stronger, clearer connection between OK & way.
Suggestions below.
(ch)
Am I OK?, Am I OK?
Take a good look, do I look that way? Take a good look, well what should I say? or what should I say (without "well" before it)
You just told me we're through
and that's all you can say? And you're not gonna stay or And you're leaving today
No I'm not OK, I'm not OK or No...No I'm not OK
I'm shrugging at the use of the word "shrug" in the 2nd line of verse 2. I'd find a stronger line that fits into the context of what's going on that might express the same sentiment. The last line of the 2nd verse ends in "yet". Seems like a forced rhyme to me. Consider working on this verse a bit in relation to those two lines.
Oh one other comment. I like the 5 line chorus. Gives the not OK feeling more a feeling of instability and being thrown off balance which is what I think you're trying to capture there. Nice : )
All in all a good lyric. As always keep or sweep away all of my thoughts & suggestions.
Carl
I like this. It's pretty good and it works. I think people could relate. Title is also good.
In the chorus, I understand what the POV (point of view )is saying with "take a good look, do I look that way?, meaning does the POV look OK?', but initially I asked what way is that? I think there could be a stronger, clearer connection between OK & way.
Suggestions below.
(ch)
Am I OK?, Am I OK?
Take a good look, do I look that way? Take a good look, well what should I say? or what should I say (without "well" before it)
You just told me we're through
and that's all you can say? And you're not gonna stay or And you're leaving today
No I'm not OK, I'm not OK or No...No I'm not OK
I'm shrugging at the use of the word "shrug" in the 2nd line of verse 2. I'd find a stronger line that fits into the context of what's going on that might express the same sentiment. The last line of the 2nd verse ends in "yet". Seems like a forced rhyme to me. Consider working on this verse a bit in relation to those two lines.
Oh one other comment. I like the 5 line chorus. Gives the not OK feeling more a feeling of instability and being thrown off balance which is what I think you're trying to capture there. Nice : )
All in all a good lyric. As always keep or sweep away all of my thoughts & suggestions.
Carl
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