Gerry Coogan songs
The story tells of the events leading up to the moment when Kyle won the affections of his beautiful wife Evelyn nearly a hundred years ago. "The Last Dance" was the clincher, but here is the never-before-released account of the preliminary skirmishes.
( DISCLAIMER: The eye-witness who gave me this account has lost seventeen libel actions and has also been convicted of perjury six times. Therefore some of the details may be less than 100% accurate. - GerryMATW )
THE LAST DANCE
Part The First.
Princess Evelyn was very frightened, but she did not let it show. Instead, she sternly asked, "What manner of creatures canst thou be that wouldst rise, unbidden, from the midst of this, mine soup-pot? If thou hath tongues to speak, speak ye now for thus do I charge thee! Answer, foul fiends! Be thou sorceresses?"
The strange ladies looked at each other, then one of them said, "Your Highness, we are sisters three who know of things as yet to be."
Princess Evelyn looked at them warily and said, "There's only two of you!" but the apparition replied,
"Alas! Good point! Your words are true!
Today we number merely two
Young sis is in a poorly state
(We think it's something that she ate.)
Our line of work tends to expose us
To gastro-enteritis doses.
Thus today our sister's sick.
She's got the trots; she's in poor nick."
The beautiful princess was not in the mood to sympathise with the weird sisters.
"What do you expect if you hang around in soup-pots all day?" she demanded. There was an awkward pause.
Then one of the sisters asked, "Is this a bad time? We could come back later, if you like?"
"And spoil another batch of soup?" retorted Princess Evelyn, hotly. "No chance! You're here now so get on with it." Then, recovering her composure, she continued, "What, pray tell, is the nature of the 'things as yet to be' of which ye spoke so enigmatically?"
The other sister, who had been silent up until now, cleared her throat and began to speak.
"Evelyn, fairest in this land,
Many suitors seek thy hand.
This day before the midnight chimes
Thou shalt be courted several times.
Marriage offers numbering three
Shall be delivered unto thee;
Of these, thou shalt reject but one.
Beware of Earl Mee's proud son!
That wicked, crafty, twisted runt
Shall trick thee with a cunning stunt.
By cruel deceit and foul intent
He'll set a trap for thy consent.
Ere you realise what's been done
You'll be betrothed to Mee's vile son!"
Princess Evelyn was horrificated!
"Howbeit that this abomination could come to pass? Nay, nay and thrice nay! It shall never be. And howbeit that thou doth prophesy three proposals, yet only one be turned down? Shall I be wedded to two husbands? Tell me more, weird sisters!" The strange prediction resumed;
"Another suit shall come your way
Of which there is not much to say.
Some loser by the name of Dick;
He'll not turn up - he'll call in sick.
You'll laugh out loud at what comes next -
Pathetically, he'll send a text!"
The three women all laughed together and scornfully shook their heads. "Men!" they said. They started to tell each other stories about all the rotten boyfriends they had each had and with every tale of disastrous dates, rotten romances and lousy love-affairs, they laughed harder and harder and tears rolled down their cheeks. Princess Evelyn went to put the kettle on so that they could have a cup of tea together when, suddenly, the sisters began to dissolve and sink back into the soup. "Wait!" shrieked Princess Evelyn, "What about the third suitor? Finish thy prophecy, I prithee?" But it was too late. Nothing remained of the weird sisters save for a solitary false eyelash floating on the surface of the frothy brew.
Part The Second
.
"yo! ev im into u. ;-) r u into me? dick x x x"
A marriage proposal! The prophecy was real after all! She quickly replied, "Get lost!" then suddenly her attention was caught by a posh-looking group who had just arrived outside the door of the palace. In her bewilderment she had completely forgotten about the Grand Banquet which was taking place that afternoon!
She rushed through the back corridors of the palace and, with not a moment to spare, took her place to receive the honoured guests. Each guest was presented to her and formally introduced before being ushered inside the great hall. "His Excellency, the Marquis of Calderwood," announced the doorman, as a lean, gaunt figure hobbled towards her.
"So kind of you to come," smiled Princess Evelyn with radiant charm.
"His Elliotness, the Governor-General of Castlemilk," came the proclamation and again Princess Evelyn warmly greeted her guest.
"Always a pleasure," she said, winningly.
"His Wickedness, the 17th Earl of Mee and his son, Will..."
A loud and sustained cough from the Earl's son drowned out the rest of the announcement. The princess greeted the Earl and then turned to his son. She was chilled when she looked into his cold, soulless, condoleezza eyes and noticed the cruel curl of his thin, cheney lips. She sensed instantly that this was a man with the irredeemable, flinty heart of a wolfowitz and she was almost knocked backwards by the waves of thatcherous malevolence radiating from his rumsfeld.
Startled, she stammered, almost inaudibly, "I-I'm- I'm-I'm so sorry. I didn't catch your name?"
A voice that seemed to emanate from the very bowels of Hell gravely intoned, "William Harry Mee, ma'am."
Still struggling to keep calm, the princess replied, "Yes, yes, delighted, I'm sure."
The assembled guests gasped in horror. Triumphantly, William boomed, "You ALL heard that!! I asked the princess, 'Will you marry me, ma'am?' and she replied, 'yes, yes, delighted, I'm sure!' We shall be married tomorrow at dawn! Everybody, drink a toast to my bride-to-be and myself! OR ELSE!"
The terrified guests didn't know what to do. They had all heard what seemed to be a proposal of marriage from the evil Mee and they could not deny that the princess appeared to have given her consent. They charged their glasses as Mee had commanded and drank the health of the newly engaged couple.
Mee leaned forward and whispered into Evelyn's ear, "Now that you are my fiancee you may call me - Dubya!" The lights flickered. Out in the stables, terrified horses screamed and reared up in panic. Somewhere in the ramparts, vile bats stirred and opened their yellow eyes. Princess Evelyn bowed her head, closed her tear-filled eyes and wept silently to herself.
Part The Third
The banquet was the dreariest ever held in the palace. The dread, oppressive silence was absolute. Not even the rattle of cutlery upon the plates was heard for, in truth, everybody had completely lost their appetites and the food remained untouched, course after course. Dubya Mee had disappeared for a while to report to his Skull & Bones cronies and receive further directives, but he was scheduled to reappear for the Grand Ball. However, as the evening guests began to arrive and the first dance began, there was still no sign of his return.
Occasionally, some thought they could hear, reverberating through the corridors, the sound of a bleating goat being ceremoniously slaughtered so it was presumed that the Bonesmen's rituals were taking longer than usual. Evelyn began to hope that perhaps this would be the night when the goats of the world would finally rise up in revolt against their cruel treatment and wreak a terrible revenge upon their centuries-old adversaries, but in her heart, she realised that she was probably still under the influence of the mushroom soup.
The dance wore on and more guests arrived. Then, all of a sudden, Princess Evelyn's heart stood still as she caught sight of the most handsome man she had ever seen. It may have been his piercing, blue eyes, full of constancy and integrity, which first caught her attention. Perhaps it was his warm, kindly smile or the manly cleft of his chin. It might even have been his fluorescent red, gold and green dinner suit with matching tea-cosy hat which seemed to make him stand out from the monochromatic drabness of the other male guests. But for whatever reason, Evelyn knew that she somehow had to attract his attention.
She leapt onto the stage, ordered the band to play "The Harder They Come" by Jimmy Cliff and began a seductive pole dance, to the intense embarrassment of the double-bass player, who had to be extremely careful with his fingering. But it did the trick! The handsome Prince Kyle (for it was he!) finally looked up at the stage. The moment his eyes first set foot on the beautiful princess, he could scarcely believe his trousers! The assembled guests began to sense that something was stirring. Raising their eyebrows, they could clearly see from the merest glance at Prince Kyle's trousers that he was already deeply and, indeed, prominently in love. But would he ask Princess Evelyn to dance?
The crowd parted as Prince Kyle strode purposefully towards the stage. Silence fell. She looked at him. He looked at her. Finally, he spoke.
"Y'dancing?"
" Y'asking ?"
" Aye, I'm asking."
"Right, well, I'm dancing then."
Thunderous applause greeted this dramatic and perfect execution of the first stage of the Scottish mating protocol. The band instinctively launched into the Bob Marley classic, "No Woman, No Cry," as the handsome Prince Kyle lifted the beautiful Princess Evelyn from the stage, took her in his arms and starting skanking through the cheering, hysterical throng. But at that precise moment the door flew open and the smell of sulphur filled the air. The room seemed to freeze. Dubya had returned!
"HOW DARE YOU embrace my fiancee!" he ejaculated. "I will have satisfaction for this! I hereby challenge you to a duel! Choose your weapons, you hound!"
Prince Kyle had to think quickly. "I accept your challenge," he replied. " I choose - Duel By Blifter!"
"Duel By Blifter?" expostulated the evil Bonesman. "I've never inhaled before. Well, not on the record..."
"Too bad!" crowed the prince, leering at Mee through hooded eye-lids. "You first. Toke some of this!"
The prince reached into his enormous tea cosy hat and produced a two-foot long doobie that had the girth of a truncheon. Dubya hesitated, but all eyes were upon him as he looked in vain for his daddy. There was no way out. He would have to accept the challenge. He took the dread jazz cigarette from the prince and placed it gingerly between his scowling lips. "Don't inhale, just don't inhale," he repeated to himself as he touched the tip to a candle flame and slowly drew the burning fumes through the expertly rolled herb. No sooner had the first wisp of smoke curled upwards from the pungent blifter, when a gruff voice shouted out, "Nobody move! Stay exactly where you are!"
As everybody obeyed the command, a thunderous explosion of size fourteen boots moved inexorably towards the trembling Dubya. The voice bellowed once more.
"I'm Detective Inspector 'Wee Jack' McConnell, Scottish Smoke Police. I have reason to believe that yon blifter may contain tobacco. The smoking of tobacco in an enclosed space is a very serious offence in Scotland. Far more serious than war crimes, rampant corporate fraud and unlimited corruption in political life. Have you anything to say in your defence before we drag you outside for a summary execution?"
"Daddy!" whined Dubya, as he lost control of his bladder for the last time in his life.
"Guilty it is!" pronounced Wee Jack. "Take him outside and throw him to the goats! They've been waiting a long time for this."
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Epilogue
Obviously, handsome Prince Kyle and the beautiful Princess Evelyn soon married and lived happily ever after. The weird sister with gastro-enteritis continued to suffer recurring attacks of the trots and took early retirement after an unsuccessful court action alleging poor working conditions. She now works in the Health Service. The other two weird sisters work as security doubles for Margaret Thatcher. 'Wee Jack' McConnell disappeared into complete obscurity, never to be heard of again. Dick the Loser now works for Rupert Murdoch. The goats were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The mushroom soup, sadly, has long since gone off.
THE END.
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So here we go. The scene is set and the lo-fi dial-up buffers should now be loaded up, primed for action, just in time for the last dance. Kyle sings the lead, which is just as well since it's his wife that the song's about. He plays just about everything else as well! I play some keyboard brass parts and sing harmony vocals. We join the action, late in the second half, just as Evelyn is being persuaded to trade in her fiance for an upgrade...
THE LAST DANCE
(By Kyle Robertson and Gerry Coogan MATW)
Ooh, share the dance,
I'm gonna walk you home, share the dance tonight.
Ooh, share the dance,
I'm gonna walk you home, share the dance tonight.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
It happened to me one lonely winter?s night.
So if you feel this love inflicting pain on you,
I'll arrange the healing.
Find out the truth.
So when the night and the dance is through I'll walk you home
Just we two, me and you, all alone.
I'll be your lifeline baby, I will rescue you.
Reach out, touch me, pull me back to you.
So I believe in love at first sight
It happened to me one lonely winter's night.
So if you feel this love inflicting pain on you,
I'll arrange the healing.
Find out the truth.
So when the night and the dance is through I'll walk you home
Just we two, me and you, all alone.
I'll be your lifeline baby, I will rescue you.
Reach out, touch me, pull me back to you
Now the light's gone on and the dance is through
I'll walk you home
Just we two, me and you, all alone.
I'll be your lifeline baby, I will rescue you.
Reach out, touch me, pull me back to you.
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